The best Christmas ever

Yesterday was Christmas day, though I didn’t know it was when I woke up. I think I want to be Christian if all their holidays are as good as yesterday was.

     What’s going on I thought as mum dressed me in my orange sparkly party dress. Everyone was busy, blowing up balloons, sticking tinselly stuff on the pictures and hanging it from the ceiling. Lots of pots were bubbling and the kitchen was full of people getting in each others’ way, talking loud, chopping and stirring, hacking and mixing. Cun was there, I think he was drunk, so too was bloody Gary (well, that’s what everyone calls him) and his horrible Manchester. You can always tell where Manchester has been; there’s snot on it.

     Kop and Pang had new shoes, and their old ones aren’t even old yet. They were drinking Coca Cola. They tried to get me to drink some, but, I don’t know, it didn’t seem right, drinking that early in the morning. Dad would have a fit, I thought, so I had milk instead.

     Mum was in the bathroom an awfully long time. When she came out, I thought it was a movie star. She had been painting a princess on her face, her mouth was bright red, and she had a white face and green with blue colours on her eyes. She was wearing new sexy-pants as well. She looked beautiful.

     She took me out into the garden and I had to shut my eyes. I peeped, so she put her hands over my eyes to make it dark. When she took her hands away, and I stopped blinking, I had the fright of my life. A giant man stood there. He had long white hair and a big white beard. His shirt and trousers were red, so was his hat, and he was wearing my dad’s black wellies.

     He said; “Ho, ho, ho.” I thought he wanted to eat me. Dad always said that I looked good enough to eat when I was dressed in my party dress. He said; “Come here little India. I have a special surprise for you.” Well, that did it, I burst out crying and hid my face in mum’s legs so he wouldn’t be able to see me, and went off to eat Manchester, or one of my brothers, who aren’t my real brothers, preferable all three of them, instead.

     But he didn’t, he took hold of me, I was screaming, he was going to eat me for breakfast for sure. Why didn't mum stop him I thought. 

     He then pulled at his big white beard. It fell off. “Don’t be scared darling, it’s only me having a joke,” he said.

     I didn't know what he meant. Who was it having a joke? Why was he having a joke? Didn’t he want me for his breakfast really? I peeped round from mum’s legs, and realised who it was; Dad.

     It was my dad, back from his ‘ventures at last. Come back to take care of me as he should have been all along. He must have heard the promise I made to Mae Khong Kha not to get on his nerves if he would only come back to me. He must have heard my promise and my wish too because, guess what he brought with him?

     The pink Barbie Bike that I really, really wanted, with a bell and everything. 

I love Christmas. I love my dad.

       

       

A letter from Australia

I’ve had a letter from my granddad in Australia. It was a bit of a puzzle because I can’t read and nor can my mum. We asked Gary to read it for us but he made an excuse of not having his glasses. Mum gave him my dad’s glasses but he said they were the wrong type. He then remembered a pot. He said he’d left something cooking and then went without winking at mum.

Mum said it was probably because he can’t read either.

     We took it school with Kop (the big one who thinks he’s my brother, but isn’t really). His teacher, who’s American but said he can read English, read it for us.

     It wasn’t worth the effort really, all it said was “Have a Merry Christmas”. Well, were Buddhist and don’t have Christmas. It also said “I hope you’re being a good girl”. I’m too little enough not to be.

     He also said that he thinks he’s getting a little forgetful in old age. I should say so. He forgot to put the twenty dollars in the envelope.

     I think I should like to go to Australia. They have kangaroos with didgeridoos there. And bananas in pyjamas. In fact, lots of things rhyme in Australia. The only problem with being in Australia that I can think of is all their seasons are back to front. It’s summer in the winter and autumn in the spring. It must be terribly difficult knowing what to wear.

     Dad said there are only two seasons in Thailand; wet and not wet. He’s such a liar. There are four that I can think of; wet with sunshine, wet without sunshine, not wet with sunshine and not wet without sunshine. We’re in the not wet without sunshine at the moment.

     I don’t feel the cold like Thais do. I have to wear my furry coat anyway and get too hot when I run around chasing the chickens. They have a lovely house and a big fence but they are always excaping. It’s a stupid thing to do as Leo, Tiger and Jenny would bite them to bits if they were quick enough. So I have to do lots of running to catch the chickens and chase the dogs away. It’s such a headache.

     If you are in Lilo in India and see my dad, tell him to come home quick before all the chickens are gone. I know uncle Diamond is there. And so too is uncle and aunt Eminem. If you love me like you say you do then speak to him about his besronsibilities will you.

       

What's your favourite colour?

I just have back from a holiday. We went to Bangkok. Bangkok is the capital of Thailand in case you didn’t know. It’s where the King lives, but we didn’t see him. He’s very old now and quite sick, so I don’t expect mum wanted to disturb him.

     It was his birthday and I didn’t have a present for him so it was probably just as well that we didn’t see him. Not that he would have minded us not having a present. He’s really rich and I don’t think anything made of purple colour plastic would have impressed him much.

     Everything mum buys seems to be made of purple colour plastic. Dad used to hate it when she came back from market and said, “Look what I’ve bought.” He used to wait until she wasn’t looking and give it to me saying, “Get your teeth into that.” That was even before I had teeth. I got loads now but am grown out of putting things in my mouth.

     Funny, now that dad isn’t here anymore, she’s stopped buying purple plastic stuff. She bought loads of things when we were in Bangkok but nothing made of plastic, and nothing purple colour. I wonder if...no, that’s a silly thought.

     I think she misses him too. I sometimes hear her crying when she thinks I’m asleep. I roll over, pretending to be still asleep, and cuddle her. She cuddles me back and sings a song. Not she santies like dad used to sing, but soft love songs that I don’t understand.

     It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand the words, it is the sound of her voice, all soft and sweet without being sticky, that makes me happy. We’re like two abandoned sister princesses finding comfort in each other’s arms, waiting together on our mattress of dry leaves in the woods for the day our prince returns. He will find us, barely alive, and take us home to make our house a castle again, and us all to be a family.

    

Loy Krathong

I didn’t know it was a special day yesterday, so it was a big surprise to me when we went out at nightime and I saw all the lights. It was a majestical experience.

     All day long my brothers, well, I don’t know what else to call them, they live in my house, that my dad built, and mum feeds them, but they are no relatives of mine thank you, were making boats out of banana leaves and flowers. They put candles on them too, and I have to say, they did look good.

I tried to make one. It was rubbish, and I got shouted at for mucking theirs up. So I wasn’t in a very good mood again when mum’s friend, Cun, the man with one eye who winks at me with both eyes shut, like I do, came round and took us all to the lake. Not the one at the bottom of my garden, the one in town.

     When we got there, I was amazed. Everybody had been spending the day making banana leaf boats as well. All the candles were lit and were floating all over the lake. Mum lit our candles and we all floated our boats to join with the others.

     We had to make a wish to Mae Khong Kha. She’s the Goddess of all the water spirits. We have to say “Thank you” to her for the rain we’ve just had to make the rice grow. If she’s in the mood, and you don’t ask for something stupid, she’ll make your wish come true.

     I didn’t wish for my dad to come back. I thought that might be pushing my luck because my dad is going to come back, or not, when it suits him, not to please me or any old water Goddess. What I wished for was that if when he comes back, he brings me a pink Barbie bicycle with him.

     They don’t have Loy Krathong in England. Dad told me once that in England, everybody has to do what the Christians want. He said they get angry if you say you don’t want to, though it’s not so bad now. In the olden days, before the war, and even before my dad was born, they would kill you if you said “Get stuffed Jesus,” or anything like that.

     The Christian people have special days too, but they make their wishes for Barbie bikes and stuff to Jesus. My dad says that he is a symbol of their beliefs. He said that they believe Jesus’ mum was still a virgin when he was born. “Do me a favour” he said. Also that they celebrate the day when they killed Jesus for saying “Do me a favour” when they asked him if his dad was a carpenter.

     The Christians cebrilate killing lots of people in the olden days for saying “Do me a favour” when asked “Do you want to be a Christian?” The Christians don’t do that anymore. If people still want to do that, they have to join the Muslims.  

     

Kit see dam

I think I’ve caught my dad’s black thoughts. I don’t mean ‘caught’ because it’s not something ‘tagious, like a snotty nose. I think it must be ‘reditary, like a big nose, not that we have big noses, but we are both long in size for our ages. It’s really amazing having something like that in common. Better than having a big nose anyway.

     I’m long in size for my age, I’m one and a quarter years old and nearly a metre long. He’s... I don’t know exactly, but pretty old, and he’s nearly two metres long, which is really long for someone his age as well.

     You don’t see many really old people who are long in size do you? Dad said that that is because when you get old, you start to shrink in size. Either that or you drop down dead before you get to be really old.

     He used to say that he’d rather be dead than really old, even if shrinking in size would save him.

     Anyway, I’m getting diverted away from telling you about the black thoughts I think I’ve ‘herited. He used to have ‘kit see dam’ when he shouted at me to leave his bloody stuff alone. Now he’s not here anymore, I’m the one who gets fed up with people getting on my nerves. I get very fed up with it indeed.

      It’s not like when my brothers get on my nerves. That’s just them being stupid. They aren’t my real brothers anyway, so not worth getting upset over. Boys are just stupid. It’s their nature. They never really upset me. It’s not them that makes me ‘pressed. I can’t think what it is, it’s difficult to explain, I just feel really, really, fed up with everything.

     Like yesterday, I wasn’t hungry so gave my dinner to Leo. She always sits waiting for me to drop food, that’s why she’s so fat, but mum got cross with me. She didn’t shout or anything, but I just burst out crying. I never cry. Well a little bit when I’m tired and can’t sleep in case I miss something funny, but not for silly things.

     Sometimes I wish I could pack a bag, go away, and be on my own somewhere else. I’d make sure whatever it is that ‘presses me is left behind, then when I start missing everybody, I can come back.

     But I can’t do that because I’m too little enough.

     Maybe that’s why my dad isn’t here anymore. Maybe he’s waiting in India to miss me.

     Maybe that’s why I’m so ‘pressed. Maybe it is ‘tageous after all. He could have left behind whatever it was that ‘pressed him, gone away to wait until he starts missing me before he comes back, and I’ve caught it.

     He should be missing me by now though. It’s been ages. How long does it take to miss someone?

     I missed him the moment I woke up and found him gone.

Confessions of a bad girl

I think I’m becoming a cokeaholic. It was mum’s birthday yesterday and I got really drunk on Coca-Cola again. Did you know that there are many different kinds and colour of Coke? I’ve tried them all but I don’t recommend you try mixing yours when you drink it. I won’t ever again. I feel awful this morning.

     We had a great party for mum’s birthday. I forget how old she said she was now but it was a really big number. She said it was going to be her last one. I hope that means that she’s not going cebrilate in future and not that she is going too die before her next one. If she did; I’d be an orphan. That would be cool but I’d miss her.

     Have you ever done karaoke? It’s dead funny. Everyone takes turns to sing along to the song on the TV. Mum was best. My brother Kop, who’s not my real brother anyway, was rubbisher than anyone else. I just danced. I wanted to sing but every time someone gave me the stick called ‘microphone’ I got shy.

     I don’t know why it’s called ‘microphone’ because ‘micro’ means really small, and it was really big. Some words are a bit stupid I think.

     Dad phoned to say “happy birthday” to mum and spoke to me. I’m getting to be a liar just like him. He said “Don’t drink any bloody Coca Cola will you.” And I said “No”. It just came out. It’s the first time I’ve ever said anything. He was really happy to hear me speak.

     I tried to cover up my lie by saying “No” to everything he said. I thought it would make him think I didn’t know what I was saying. Now I feel terrible. He asked if I was missing him and I said “No”. He wanted to know if I’ve been a good girl and I said “No”.

     The first time I’ve ever had a proper conservation with him and I told two lies.

     It’s his fault really. If he hadn’t pissadeared like he did and stayed here to bring me up properly I’d be a good girl. I’d not have to tell lies and I wouldn’t have a drink problem.

Chicken run.

My chickens have a new home. I helped mum make a house for them. Their old one fell down when the wind came after the rain finished and we had to keep them in an empty fish tank. They didn’t say thank you and ran away instead. I don’t know; there’s no pleasing some chickens.

     It took nearly all day to find and catch them. I thought chickens were stupid but they are very clever at running and hiding.

     We have a mum chicken called hen and a dad chicken called cock. There are four baby ones called chicks and one in the middle but I don’t know what she’s called. Mum says that she’s going to have chicks soon. I can’t see how, she hasn’t got a husband, only a dad.

     I don’t have a dad. Not any more. He said he was coming home but that’s been ages and he’s only phoned twice. I don’t think he’s ever coming home, he’s such a liar and likes peace and quiet better than he likes me. I shouldn’t be on my own with only a mum and two brothers who aren’t even my real brothers, getting on my nerves all the time.

     I’ve sent loads of e-mails but he left his precious ‘puter behind and I don’t know if they have internet in India. Probably not, I’ve seen pictures of India and it’s very ‘fusing; they have loads of diamonds and money and stuff, but everyone is poor and would love to live in a house as nice as the one our chickens have. I don’t know why they don’t sell their diamonds and build proper houses for everyone.

     And get plugged into the internet.

A night at the movies

The movie lorry came to town for the last night of the Chinese holiday. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Mum calls it movie when she watches TV. But the one in the lorry is a lot differenter. For one thing it was more than five times bigger than a TV, and the movie stars in the lorry pictures didn’t shout and cry all the time.

     I thought it was majestic to start with, but it took a very long time to finish and I fell asleep after getting bored and playing ‘run around the people’.

     The lorry was parked in the middle of the road next to the river and shone a light on a big white wall to make the movie stars do their fighting and stuff. Everyone sat in the road to watch it. It was very clever but no one told the motor bikes to go a different way. So I nearly got bumped a few times when I played ‘run around the people’.

     Dad would have been very angry with them. If there’s one thing he can’t stand; its motor bikes trying to bump him. I couldn’t get angry because I’m too little enough.

     Lots of people came to sit by the river. Not to look at the movie lorry, but to watch out for the fire dragon who comes onto the river every year at full moon of October time.

     The dragon must have come after I fell asleep because I didn’t see him.