Take it as red

Dad has just got back from Laos. I don't know why he went. Probably on a secret spy mission for his friend who sends him secret messages. I know they must be secret messages because he reads them very quickly and immediately presses the delete button.

Laos is a communist country you know; The Peoples Democratic Republic of Laos. It used to belong to the French. How can it belong to the French when it's so far away from France?

Anyway, they couldn't look after it properly so the communists said; "Right ho, bugger off you bloody frogs or we'll shoot you." They didn't need telling twice.

The Laos people are the same as us, but they talk a bit different. We are different to other people in Thailand, and we talk different too.

There are lots of different kinds of people living in Thailand, but the King says we must all be friends with each other, and stop shouting and being bloody stupid.

No one ever listens to the King, they should. And do what he tells them.

ANOTHER SUBTLE HINT

I'm nearly a year old now you know. I'm going to have a surprise party, but can't tell you, because I'm not supposed to know that I'm having a surprise party. .

People are really stupid. Just because I can't talk, they think I don't understand. I do you know.

I heard mum tell dad to get some jelly when was in Laos. He came back with 10 packets. Also, I heard dad say to Gary; "If you must come, bloody bring your own beer."

I don't really know what to expect a surprise party to be like. I don't think the kids will like it much, apart from the jelly.

I heard dad say that there will be no bloody Coca Cola and there should be lots of salad and vegetables. also, the snooker table is to covered up and made 'out of bounds'.

It will be so 'barrassing if no one has any fun and they won't look forward to when I'm two.

I shall be two next, after I am one. I'm not sure what happens after two, have to go to school like my brothers who aren't my real brothers I expect.

School is where you go to learn things, you know. My dad says they don't teach you much. except how to go around with a shaved head and not feel 'barrassed.

"They don't even know where their shoes are, let alone where Italy is," he said. I thought that was quite funny and also a bit silly, until yesterday.

Everyone was getting ready for school and Kop shouted; "Where are my shoes mum?" Dad looked at the ceiling and said; "There, what did I tell you?"

It'll come out in the wash

Mum is doing the laundry today. But then, she does the laundry everyday. One load is in the wash, one load is drying, and one load is getting dirty again.

Dad says it's a bit like life itself. One load is sleeping, one load is working its nuts off, and one load does bugger all.

I think he thinks he's like the second load, but really he's more like the third, when he's not the first.

And he sounds more like Forest Gump every day. I expect he'll come out with things like; "Life is like a washing machine; you never know what colour your pants will come out."

SOCCEROONEY

Everyone is talking about the football all the time. Everyone has gone "World Cup crazy'. 'cept my dad and me.

They all want Brazil to win. I want England to win. I don't know why really. I 'spect it's because David Beckham is English. He's not playing this year, you know. It's because Posh Beckham doesn't want him to go to Africa on his own and get AIDSHIV.

Dad calls him David Beckhamandeggs and says it's because he's too old. He's such a liar. David Beckham isn't old. I've got a photo of him wearing the shirt that Posh bought him for his birthday. It says he's 23.

Dad says the best thing about the World Cup is that we won't be seeing much of Gary. He's World Cup crazy and is staying at home to watch the football., which dad says is "a bloody good job."

EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN ISN'T ROSES

Mum has finished the laundry now and is cutting the grass. Dad says you can't cut the grass when it's wet. He's such a liar. My mum can.

Dad says that's because she's Thai. Mum says it's because she doesn't want dad to cut all her plants again. Dad says that if she grew plants with flowers on them he would know not to cut them. Mum says you can't eat the plants with flowers on them. Dad says you can't eat the plants she grows anyway. Mum says Thai people can. Dad says Thai people can eat anything. Mum says she'll eat him if he doesn't shut up.

That shut him up.

Swat's that again ?

I've been fly smacking all day today. My mum just bought two new fly smackers to replace the one my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, broke.

It's only a plastic hand on the end of a plastic stick, but it's really swishy and swooshy and great for smacking things.

It tastes different to the plastic bottle tops, and they taste different to the purple plastic basket that mum bought and dad hates.

I don't expect you know that all plastic tastes different did you? well it does.

Why don't you try? Take a plastic pen or something and suck it. Now try licking your phone, or 'puter, or something.

See, what did I tell you?

I haven't been able to smack any flies yet but I did smack mum by accident. she just laughed.

I have smacked both my brothers who aren't my real brothers, but that wasn't an accident. They said "Oy!" and then they laughed too.

I tried to smack Leo, Jenny and Tiger, but they are as quick as flies.

I'm too scared to try and smack my dad.

My mum's the best fly smacker in our house. probably the best in the world. She's smacked hundreds and then she sweeps them up and puts them in the fish pond. The fish go mad and fight each other to eat them up. I can't see why, they taste yuck.

We've got lots of flies here at the moment because we live in the country, next to a field full of cow poo. Mum says it's because we are now in the rainy season. I wondered why it's been so rainy lately.

Apparently, all the flies that live in the cow poo come alive when it rains and fly around looking to have love affairs with other flies.

Human beings don't. They stay indoors when it's rainy and don't have love affairs because it's too wet.

That's why everyone looks sad when it's the rainy season.

How do you smell that again?

I get hiccups a lot. Dad says it's because I drink too much beer. I don't, he's being silly. I only drink milk and water. I'd like to try Coca Cola, but I have to wait until I'm 18 apparently.

I don't mind the hiccups. It's only my tummy wanting to get out for a look around, and getting annoyed because it has to stay indoors all the time getting ready for when I have my dinner, or have a banana, or something.

I like different sounds, don't you? Like hiccups, they're funny. I like my favourite toy. It's the tube inside a kitchen roll. I shout into it and it shouts back at me. dad says it's called an echo. It's a strange word for a funny noise, and difficult to spell for a short word.

My dad makes funny noises too, when he's asleep in his special sleep chair. He says he doesn't make any sounds when he's asleep. He's such a liar. Mum says he sounds like an old oil drum full of snakes having a fight with a tiger. I have to take her word for that. But he does sound funny.

I like different smells too. I like my mum, she smells like soap powder and chicken soup. My dad smells of beer and cigarette smoke, but it suits him.

My brothers, who aren't my real brothers smell horrible, like poo with sick in it, yuck.

Leo, Jenny and Tiger smell like... well, I 'spose they smell of dog. When they have a bath, except Tiger, dad can never catch him, they smell like sham poo. But when they're nice and clean, they run to the field next door and rub themselves in cow poo. They just don't like not smelling of dog.

I don't know what I smell like. Funny that, isn't it. Do you know what you smell like? I bet you don't. Dad says I smell lovely. He says it makes him want to eat me. so I 'spose I must smell like beef pie.