Kit see dam

I think I’ve caught my dad’s black thoughts. I don’t mean ‘caught’ because it’s not something ‘tagious, like a snotty nose. I think it must be ‘reditary, like a big nose, not that we have big noses, but we are both long in size for our ages. It’s really amazing having something like that in common. Better than having a big nose anyway.

     I’m long in size for my age, I’m one and a quarter years old and nearly a metre long. He’s... I don’t know exactly, but pretty old, and he’s nearly two metres long, which is really long for someone his age as well.

     You don’t see many really old people who are long in size do you? Dad said that that is because when you get old, you start to shrink in size. Either that or you drop down dead before you get to be really old.

     He used to say that he’d rather be dead than really old, even if shrinking in size would save him.

     Anyway, I’m getting diverted away from telling you about the black thoughts I think I’ve ‘herited. He used to have ‘kit see dam’ when he shouted at me to leave his bloody stuff alone. Now he’s not here anymore, I’m the one who gets fed up with people getting on my nerves. I get very fed up with it indeed.

      It’s not like when my brothers get on my nerves. That’s just them being stupid. They aren’t my real brothers anyway, so not worth getting upset over. Boys are just stupid. It’s their nature. They never really upset me. It’s not them that makes me ‘pressed. I can’t think what it is, it’s difficult to explain, I just feel really, really, fed up with everything.

     Like yesterday, I wasn’t hungry so gave my dinner to Leo. She always sits waiting for me to drop food, that’s why she’s so fat, but mum got cross with me. She didn’t shout or anything, but I just burst out crying. I never cry. Well a little bit when I’m tired and can’t sleep in case I miss something funny, but not for silly things.

     Sometimes I wish I could pack a bag, go away, and be on my own somewhere else. I’d make sure whatever it is that ‘presses me is left behind, then when I start missing everybody, I can come back.

     But I can’t do that because I’m too little enough.

     Maybe that’s why my dad isn’t here anymore. Maybe he’s waiting in India to miss me.

     Maybe that’s why I’m so ‘pressed. Maybe it is ‘tageous after all. He could have left behind whatever it was that ‘pressed him, gone away to wait until he starts missing me before he comes back, and I’ve caught it.

     He should be missing me by now though. It’s been ages. How long does it take to miss someone?

     I missed him the moment I woke up and found him gone.

Confessions of a bad girl

I think I’m becoming a cokeaholic. It was mum’s birthday yesterday and I got really drunk on Coca-Cola again. Did you know that there are many different kinds and colour of Coke? I’ve tried them all but I don’t recommend you try mixing yours when you drink it. I won’t ever again. I feel awful this morning.

     We had a great party for mum’s birthday. I forget how old she said she was now but it was a really big number. She said it was going to be her last one. I hope that means that she’s not going cebrilate in future and not that she is going too die before her next one. If she did; I’d be an orphan. That would be cool but I’d miss her.

     Have you ever done karaoke? It’s dead funny. Everyone takes turns to sing along to the song on the TV. Mum was best. My brother Kop, who’s not my real brother anyway, was rubbisher than anyone else. I just danced. I wanted to sing but every time someone gave me the stick called ‘microphone’ I got shy.

     I don’t know why it’s called ‘microphone’ because ‘micro’ means really small, and it was really big. Some words are a bit stupid I think.

     Dad phoned to say “happy birthday” to mum and spoke to me. I’m getting to be a liar just like him. He said “Don’t drink any bloody Coca Cola will you.” And I said “No”. It just came out. It’s the first time I’ve ever said anything. He was really happy to hear me speak.

     I tried to cover up my lie by saying “No” to everything he said. I thought it would make him think I didn’t know what I was saying. Now I feel terrible. He asked if I was missing him and I said “No”. He wanted to know if I’ve been a good girl and I said “No”.

     The first time I’ve ever had a proper conservation with him and I told two lies.

     It’s his fault really. If he hadn’t pissadeared like he did and stayed here to bring me up properly I’d be a good girl. I’d not have to tell lies and I wouldn’t have a drink problem.

Chicken run.

My chickens have a new home. I helped mum make a house for them. Their old one fell down when the wind came after the rain finished and we had to keep them in an empty fish tank. They didn’t say thank you and ran away instead. I don’t know; there’s no pleasing some chickens.

     It took nearly all day to find and catch them. I thought chickens were stupid but they are very clever at running and hiding.

     We have a mum chicken called hen and a dad chicken called cock. There are four baby ones called chicks and one in the middle but I don’t know what she’s called. Mum says that she’s going to have chicks soon. I can’t see how, she hasn’t got a husband, only a dad.

     I don’t have a dad. Not any more. He said he was coming home but that’s been ages and he’s only phoned twice. I don’t think he’s ever coming home, he’s such a liar and likes peace and quiet better than he likes me. I shouldn’t be on my own with only a mum and two brothers who aren’t even my real brothers, getting on my nerves all the time.

     I’ve sent loads of e-mails but he left his precious ‘puter behind and I don’t know if they have internet in India. Probably not, I’ve seen pictures of India and it’s very ‘fusing; they have loads of diamonds and money and stuff, but everyone is poor and would love to live in a house as nice as the one our chickens have. I don’t know why they don’t sell their diamonds and build proper houses for everyone.

     And get plugged into the internet.

A night at the movies

The movie lorry came to town for the last night of the Chinese holiday. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Mum calls it movie when she watches TV. But the one in the lorry is a lot differenter. For one thing it was more than five times bigger than a TV, and the movie stars in the lorry pictures didn’t shout and cry all the time.

     I thought it was majestic to start with, but it took a very long time to finish and I fell asleep after getting bored and playing ‘run around the people’.

     The lorry was parked in the middle of the road next to the river and shone a light on a big white wall to make the movie stars do their fighting and stuff. Everyone sat in the road to watch it. It was very clever but no one told the motor bikes to go a different way. So I nearly got bumped a few times when I played ‘run around the people’.

     Dad would have been very angry with them. If there’s one thing he can’t stand; its motor bikes trying to bump him. I couldn’t get angry because I’m too little enough.

     Lots of people came to sit by the river. Not to look at the movie lorry, but to watch out for the fire dragon who comes onto the river every year at full moon of October time.

     The dragon must have come after I fell asleep because I didn’t see him.

I found my dad

Dad phoned yesterday. He’s not in Lilo at all, he’s in India. But I’m not to tell anyone. How can I? I can’t talk yet. If I could I would have told him bloody not to go away without telling me.

He said he had to go to get some work done. He’s up against a deadline. That worried me even more until I had the chance to look up ‘deadline’; it’s got nothing to do with being dead. But now he’s gone and got his finger stuck which is why he couldn’t speak too long. He said if he can get his finger out, he’ll be back soon.

He said he likes it in India, at least the clean part where he stays. That’s why he named me India; “The Jewel of the East”. I like that, but I think he got it wrong.

I wouldn’t have minded being called ‘Cathay’, or even ‘China’. At least it’s more romantic sounding than Gary with his “Manchester”, yuk!

Talking of which, he’s been around again getting on our nerves. He said to mum; “I hope you’re managing ok with him not being here to look after you. Is there anything I can do for you if you know what I mean?”

Mum said; “Chai ka. Kun pai lao, kwai.” For those of you who can’t understand Thai it means; yes, go and do something rude with a buffalo. For those of you who can understand, then I’m sorry about the spelling. Gary didn’t understand, and he can’t spell either.

Happy holidays.

It’s been holiday time again. The Chinese have been having lots of fun so we did too. That’s why I haven’t done my blog lately. We went on a bus. I had never been on a bus before. It was dead good. At least the first bit, it was a long journey to a place called Burriram, so I got bored and slept a lot till it got dark again. Mum calls it “Bullylam” because she can’t say the letter ‘r’ very well. It’s down near Bangkok. Bangkok is our capital city if you don’t know much.

Mum’s younger sister lives there in a toy shop. Oh my God, I don’t where to start telling how majestic it is living in a toy shop for two days, and not having anyone telling me not to touch stuff. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss not having dad around, but can you imagine what it would have been like? The same as him going to live in a pub for two days and telling him he’s only allowed to drink cups of tea. Leave the snooker table alone, you’ll break it. Don’t touch the dartboard, it’s dangerous. Behave yourself and stop whistling every time the barmaid bends over.

We came back home through a huge storm with loud bangs and lightning flashing all the way. Mum kept telling the driver to slow down but he couldn’t hear with the thunder. It was majestic swishing through all the water. Everyone was dead scared, except for me.

Mum said it was good we came home when we did. All the roads are squished away and we would have been stuck there. I think that would have been more than majestic, it would have been supermajectic.

I really, really want a puppy

Jenny’s a grandmother, and she’s only four years old. She had five babies when she was still two. One of her daughters, who lives at the house we had the party, now has five sons. Leo already had ten, that’s loads, even more than five.

I don’t know where they all live now. They had to go away to live somewhere else because it is unlucky in Thailand to keep puppies from the first litter. Litter is what you call puppies when they are born. It doesn’t mean they are rubbish because they are not.

Dad didn’t even have to put his foot down and be ignored. Mum is very superstrictious which dad says can be annoying, but sometimes is handy.

I wanted to take one of Jenny’s grandson puppies home to live with us and sleep in my bed. Actually I wanted to take all five but thought that would be pushing luck too far.

I picked out the one that was fat and lazy looking with droopy eyes because he reminded me of dad. But mum put her foot down this time. Her feet aren’t as big as dad’s, (no one’s are) but when she puts them down, they stay put down.

She said it is unlucky to bring home puppies from the same family. I think she made that up because it sounds haberdashery to me.

Anyway now I think about it, it probably isn’t a good idea. I don’t want dad to be angry when he comes back from Lilo and have him say; “How the bloody are we going to feed more? I’m not made of money.”

If he were, mum would have spent him a long time ago. That’s a joke by the way in case you think I meant it.

Anyway, it may be that Jenny will be having more babies soon because all the dogs have got sticky bums at the moment. It’s to do with the heat apparently. When it gets too hot, all the dogs get sticky bums. Then they have babies.

I don’t know if that’s true or not but it’s what my mum said, and she’s not a liar like my dad.

Art and ambition.

It was my sister’s birthday yesterday. She went to Vulgaria to cebrilate instead of going to college to do her art stuff. We don’t do art stuff here in Thailand. Dad said that no one does it because everyone has to work too hard growing rice, watching the cows to make sure they eat properly, and catching fish, snakes and geckos for their dinner.

I don’t really know what art stuff is, but it has to be more interesting than growing rice. I know we have to eat but wouldn’t it be better to buy things to eat at the market and do art stuff instead?

I have three sisters. They all live in England. Two of them do art stuff and one would like to but is too busy making sure her children eat properly and teaching them to them to behave themselves and say “thank you”.

I don’t think I will do art stuff. I like singing and dancing so maybe I’ll be a movie star instead. I wanted to be Miss Thailand but dad said I am too clever.

I got drunk last night

Everyone woke up late today with an overhang. We went to a party yesterday. We had a majestic time and I had Coca Cola. At first I wished dad was with us but then I was glad he wasn’t. Now I wish he was. He’d have stopped me having Coca Cola and maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad today.

I drank so much that I got hiccups. But that didn’t stop me. I got burps as well so that I was drinking Coca Cola, hiccupping and burping at the same time, snot came out my nose and made big bubbles. Everyone laughed and so did I.

We had lots of music. Happy music, not the sort that dad would play. He calls his music ‘blues’. It’s sad and boring. He calls happy music “Rubbish” but I like it.

It wasn’t a party like the ones that wedding and dead people have. For one thing; there were no plastic chairs. Most of us sat on the floor, when we weren’t dancing and having majestic fun.

I wore my sparkly dress, the one I was going to save for my wedding but now realise will be too small and old fashion by then. Mum wore her ‘sexy pants’ but had her big Juventus football club shirt on top so no one could see she was wearing sexy pants. (Juventus just came up on ‘spell check’ and wanted to change it to duvet. How stupid is that?)

Anyway, I think I may have been mistaken when I thought dad was in the monkey house. I heard someone saying he was in Lilo. I understand Thai a little bit. No one spoke English much. It was a bit difficult understanding at first because in our house we speak English, even when dad’s not there, except when mum wants to swear at him.

I heard Supot the muggler man, who gets stuff for dad from Laos across the river, say in English (he does that when he doesn't want people to know what he's saying) that it was a pity dad had to go away to Lilo. He said it was getting too hot here.

Now I’m confused. I’m glad if he’s not in the monkey house, even if he was happy making furniture, but I don’t know where Lilo is or if he’s happy there. And if it’s too hot here, why didn’t he take me with him? I don’t like it when it gets too hot either.

Words and stuff

I’m sorry if my blogs seem a bit sad lately. I wanted to stop doing them when my dad went away. But it helps me to ‘talk’ when I’m sad. If you love me like you say you do then you’ll put up with it I guess. It’s probably a good thing that you don’t reply. Nothing you could say would make me miss him less, but please indulge me. That’s my new word; indulge. It’s a good one isn’t it? I found it when I looked up inmate.

Dictionaries are a good idea I think. People who write dictionaries must be the cleverest people there are. They not only know all the words, but what they mean as well. My dad says he knows all the words in the world. He’s such a liar. If he did, he wouldn’t say “bloody” so much.

I know lots of words. Some of them are not even in my dad’s dictionary. When I get big and have my own ‘puter, I’m going to write my own dictionary with all the words that aren’t in my dad’s.

You can help if you like. You can be a contibutor. Send me your words, and if they are not in my dad’s dictionary, I’ll put them in mine. I’ll inclucate them in my future blogs so everyone can get used to the new words.

I don’t know what “blog” means, or where it came from. It’s not in my dad’s dictionary. (I’m surprised that ‘television’ is there, it’s so old.) I don’t know if it’s a good word or not. It sounds ugly to me, like ‘blob’, ‘slob’, ‘snog’, and ‘snot’.

They have loads of words in Thailand as well, but not as many as in English. Lots of the words are difficult to say, like the words that start with the ‘ng’ sound. Dad can’t say them at all. He tries very hard to speak in Thai but says that if you don’t say the words exactly right then no bugger understands. “The same as the bloody frogs!”

I didn’t know that frogs could speak. I listen very carefully but it sounds like the same word being spoken over and over again. There are lots of frogs in our ponds at the moment and they all speak at the same time so I really can’t imagine how they even understand each other.

In Thai they say the word first, I think it’s called a noun, and then the type of word second. I forget what that’s called. Is it pronoun? It could be adjective or adverb. I think I’ll learn to speak first and then worry about the name of the word when I go to school.

Anyway, they say “bus red” and “girl good” instead of “red bus” and “good girl”. Dad says the frogs do the same. So what he must mean is; they say “croak croak” instead of “croak croak”? What a load of haberdashery.

I know haberdashery means something else. It’s an old word that no one uses any more, but it sounds a lot better than the word dad uses, so I think I’ll reinvent it for my dictionary.