Clunk, click every trip.

My dad's new car is called Mitsubishi. He wanted one called Jaguar but says Mitsubishi is the next best thing. We went to buy a special seat to strap me in the back so's I'll not touch all his stuff when he's driving and getting on his nerves.

"In England," here we go again, "It's against the law for children to get on your nerves when you're driving." I don't think those were his exact words, but it's what he meant.

"Here in Thailand you can't even buy a baby seat, let alone get fined for not having one." We went to loads of shops in the big towns; Udon Thani and Nong Khai. No one even knew what he meant, and we certainly didn't see one.

"That's why I'm lucky living in Thailand, I can be a little bugger and dad doesn't get fined for it.

BIG PRICK

I went to the hospital today for an hinjection. Mum came too and Kop. We went in dad's new Mitsubishi. I think it's good that he didn't get a Jaguar. I don't think it would bounce so well on the bumpy roads.

I didn't know I was going to get hinjected and had forgotten what my dad said about smiley faces. You really shouldn't trust them.

I've never seen so many smiley faces. It wasn't too bad to start with. they weighed me, I'm 8.9. They measured me, and I'm 71. Then, out of nowhere... I can't begin to tell you the pain. I felt like crying, in fact I sort of yelped and wanted to cry but thought, no, I won't give you the satrisfraction.

Dad said "You're a brave India Princess." and to the smiley faced nurse said "See you again in January."

Yes, I'll be back for more in January. And I'll go happily, if the Pope gets married first.

telly belly

My brother Kop, who's not my real brother, has just had the results of his test to see which class he's in next month when he goes up to the big school.

Everyone is very pleased with him because he came in number 5 out of 268.

I think the other, what's 268 take away 5? anyway the others must be really stupid if there are only 4, I can do that one, are cleverer than him.

He's been at home now for ages, waiting to go up to the big school, getting on my dad's nerves. All he does is watch "Bloody cartoons" on TV and dad says they are not even good cartoons like he used to watch when he was a boy. I don't think they had TV in the war. But dad's such a liar, I never know when he's joking.

I don't mind him watching cartoons all day long because I can play jokes on him. I pull his big ears and climb all over him and sit on his head. He says I get on his nerves. It serves him right for getting on my dad's.

When I get tired, I sleep with my head on his tummy. He likes that. his tummy makes a splurty gurgle noise. not like my dad's which is big and grumbly. My mum's is best, it's soft and purry with the occasional blurt, which makes me laugh.

I suppose everyone has a different tummy noise, like everyone has a different nose. My nose is differ enter than anyone in the whole world. One of my nostrils is higher up my face than the other one. Mum says when I'm bigger I can have an operation to make it come down. But I think I may leave it up there. I like being different and think it makes me look extinguished.

WHAT THE HULL DO YOU KNOW?

In my last blog, i asked if anyone knew which football team in the league tables had a name with no letters you can colour in.

For those who couldn't be bothered to find out, the answer is; Hull City. Though I think you should have found out for yourself. It's the only way to learn , and you shouldn't stop learning just because you're old and I'm not.

You know, when you are young, you learn lots of new stuff every day, unless you just watch cartoons. But when you are old, all you do is forget things. At least, that's what my dad says.

He says he's forgotten more stuff than I've learned. Like, get real dad, It's not a competition.

POND LIFE

My dad's been busy making a new swimming pool, for the fish. It'll be the fifth one he's made, though he's just filled one in, in case I fall in and drown. Like I'm not going to fall in the new one and drown. If it gets finished before I'm too old to fall in.

He has thousands of fish in the big pond at the bottom of our garden. he grows them for sale though mum keeps eating them as soon as they are big enough.

I don't like fish to eat much. Mum mashed one up for me once. It was yuck. I like boiled rice mashed with egg yoke in chicken soup best. I also like yogurt, though dad says it's not proper yogurt and I wouldn't like proper yogurt anyway. But best of all is banana.

We have lots of bananas in our garden which is good because mum doesn't have to buy them and dad has enough money to buy beer.

Dad says she should grow a beer tree. he gives her bottle tops and says "Plant these with your green fingers." Mum's fingers are brown anyway and she says he's stupid to keep saying that.

I think it's a good idea and she shouldn't say he's stupid. Then instead of going down the pub, he can stay at home and pluck a bottle of beer off the tree the same as mum does when I want a banana.

Festival season

It's been very hot indeed for the past two weeks so Songkran Festival has been welcomed and enjoyed by everyone, more so than ever before. I obviously have to believe what I've heard as it's my first.

Songkran is where everyone throws water over everyone else. Dad says it's "Bloody stupid" but I think it's dead good.

We all went out in dad's new car. It has a big box on the back and is called a pick-up. I can't think why, You can't pick it up and it's too big even for my dad and he's very strong.

I wasn't allowed to sit in the back. He won't let me do anything fun. My brothers who aren't my real brothers were allowed. They had two big dustbins full of water and they threw water on everyone we passed.

The best bit was that everyone threw water back and they got lovely and wet. me and dad didn't. He was driving and I was too young.

It was no good doing a tantrum because my mum wasn't with us. Mum doesn't like tantrums so lets me have things to shut me up. Dad says "no" when I do a tantrum on him. I get sick when I scream too loud and he says "serves you right."

I don't think that's a nice thing for him to say, do you?


TESTING TIME

Dad got home very late last night. i don't know what the time was because i don't understand the clock and was asleep anyway.

I don't think he can see very well in the dark because he parked his pick-up on mum's new flower bed, exactly where he told Gary not to.

He said he'd been to watch the football at the pub. He's such a liar. He hates football. I don't, I love it. I like David Beckham and Arsenal best. I think I like Arsenal best because the name sounds rude.

Did you know that there is only one football team in all the leagues with no letters you can colour in? Like the o's in Portsmouth or the a, e's and d in Manchester United.

Shall I tell you or do you want to find out for yourself?

OK, I'll give you the answer in my next blog.

Anyway, he's asleep late today which is good. I can have a go on his 'puter without him shouting at me. I don't think mum is happy. She'd been mumbling to herself in Isaan all morning and hasn't made him coffee yet.

It was my granddad's birthday this week. He's 85 and just passed his driving test.

Dad joked that it's no use having a driving licence if you can't remember where you left the car keys. He can talk.

I hope I pass my driving test before I'm 85. Dad says I don't have to worry living in Thailand. No one has passed their driving test.

Mum's friend called round the other week. She'd just bought a pick-up and was driving it round to all her friends to teach herself how to drive.

And there's no age limit on driving a motor bike. Kop's friend is 8 years old and has a motor bike. dad says his mum and dad probably don't like him much.

Mistaken Identity

It's funny how you can hear a word and you think it's something different isn't it.

I have a follower named Casper. I call him Uncle Casper. He's not my real uncle, not like Uncle Malcolm, but I think it's polite for a 9 nine month old, yes, I'm nine months old now and didn't have a party, to call old people Uncle and Auntie, don't you?

Well, for ages I thought Casper was a brand name. My dad would talk about "Casper, my old drinking buggy.

"When I lived in India and sold guns for a living, I had a drinking buggy called Casper." he would say. And when you see the state my dad gets in when he's been drinking it's easy to see how I made the mistake. I thought he had a big buggy like my little one, and someone would push him home when his legs got all wobbly.

Now I know that Casper is a drinking buddy and buddy is another name for friend.
Anyway, drinking buggies are a great idea I think. It must be easy to make a simple push along one. But then that would only be any good if your drinking buddy didn't drink. Then he wouldn't be your drinking buddy. He'd be a waiter.

Then you'd have to be careful not to do what Casper did when he was drinking with my dad in India.

Apparently, he broke the golden rule of gun runners; "Don't take your product on a session." He was showing someone how good the gun was, when he was drinking with my dad, and shot a waiter.

Dad said "It was a tragedy." He couldn't go to that pub anymore and it was his favourite one.
Casper then opened his own pub but couldn't get any waiters to work for him. Only my dad and his other friend James fox, ever went there so it didn't really matter.

DON'T MAKE MY MUM MAD.

I've got the best mum in the whole world. but no one is perfect.

She speaks more English that my dad speaks Thai so they usually speak English. Except when she gets mad. Then she speaks Isaan. It's a good thing my dad doesn't speak much Isaan. It would make him very sad to know what mum says to him when she gets mad. She calls him stupid "Buffalo" which he does understand. It is a very bad thing to call anyone in Thailand.;"Kwai" and you only ever say that when you are very mad indeed.

I know a lot of swear words which is surprising for a nine month old. I like English swear words best. They sound really sweary, not like Thai or Isaan.

Dad says it's OK to swear if you're angry. In fact, you can't really be angry if you don't swear. But it is not good to swear if you're not. " Gary swears all the time which dad says "proves my point."

When my mum gets mad she chops things up with her big knife. I don't know the name for big choppy up knife in English. I don't think they have them in England. That;'s why they have so many swear words instead.

One time she got really mad with her brother and chased him with her big chopper knife shouting, "Come here kwai, I kill you." but he kept on running until my mum got out of breath, so she chopped up his motor bike instead.

It gets dead exciting in our house sometimes.

Come again

Do you believe in 'carnation?



My mum does, but then she is a Buddhist and has been told to. My mum says that I'm 'carnated from my Nan in Australia. She had a dream when she went with dad to see Grandad when she died. The room was filled with balloons, some of them black and the rest pink. My nan appeared riding a bicycle with a basket full of giant jasmine flowers. Mum asked if she could have some and my Nan said "No, you already have one."



Less than a year later, I was born.



My dad doesn't believe. he says "All religions are bollocks." I wish he was more 'ticulate at times. I know he can be clever with words sometimes. OK, not big words but small words, if arranged well can sound nice.



Anyway, he said this and then tells me that our dog Leo, the one who thinks she's a proper Doberman but isn't, is a carnation of his old friend Allan.



Allan always said that he'd like to come back as a dog. Leo is small, with big sticky out eyes, dad says, "Just like Allan."



Allan loved dogs but said he'd like to come back as one "So's I'd be able to stick my nose up ladies skirts without getting my face slapped."



Dad always laughs when he tells that story. I don't know why, it isn't funny. Anyway, Manchester does that and never gets slapped, I wish he would.



Dad says that if it is true, then he'd like to come back as a tree. "Though knowing my luck, it will be one of those sticky things they plant in the Park for dogs to pee on." probably 'carnations of all his old friends that he shouted at when they were all human beings.



He says that only bad people come back as human beings. And if there was really a God, he'd ban human beings. "They're all rubbish and bugger the world for proper life forms." Like trees I suppose.



When my dad dies, I'm going to find a tree that looks just like him and plant it in mum's garden. I'd put a fence round him so's Jenny, Leo and Tiger can't pee on him and write stories about him on his 'puter, which would, of course be MY 'puter. and he'd get dead famous.



People would come to look at him and think "Wow, I bet he was really good when he was a human being." Then all the birds that will be living in his branches will do a poo on his admirers. And he'll laugh so much, all his leaves will fall off.