The best Christmas ever

Yesterday was Christmas day, though I didn’t know it was when I woke up. I think I want to be Christian if all their holidays are as good as yesterday was.

     What’s going on I thought as mum dressed me in my orange sparkly party dress. Everyone was busy, blowing up balloons, sticking tinselly stuff on the pictures and hanging it from the ceiling. Lots of pots were bubbling and the kitchen was full of people getting in each others’ way, talking loud, chopping and stirring, hacking and mixing. Cun was there, I think he was drunk, so too was bloody Gary (well, that’s what everyone calls him) and his horrible Manchester. You can always tell where Manchester has been; there’s snot on it.

     Kop and Pang had new shoes, and their old ones aren’t even old yet. They were drinking Coca Cola. They tried to get me to drink some, but, I don’t know, it didn’t seem right, drinking that early in the morning. Dad would have a fit, I thought, so I had milk instead.

     Mum was in the bathroom an awfully long time. When she came out, I thought it was a movie star. She had been painting a princess on her face, her mouth was bright red, and she had a white face and green with blue colours on her eyes. She was wearing new sexy-pants as well. She looked beautiful.

     She took me out into the garden and I had to shut my eyes. I peeped, so she put her hands over my eyes to make it dark. When she took her hands away, and I stopped blinking, I had the fright of my life. A giant man stood there. He had long white hair and a big white beard. His shirt and trousers were red, so was his hat, and he was wearing my dad’s black wellies.

     He said; “Ho, ho, ho.” I thought he wanted to eat me. Dad always said that I looked good enough to eat when I was dressed in my party dress. He said; “Come here little India. I have a special surprise for you.” Well, that did it, I burst out crying and hid my face in mum’s legs so he wouldn’t be able to see me, and went off to eat Manchester, or one of my brothers, who aren’t my real brothers, preferable all three of them, instead.

     But he didn’t, he took hold of me, I was screaming, he was going to eat me for breakfast for sure. Why didn't mum stop him I thought. 

     He then pulled at his big white beard. It fell off. “Don’t be scared darling, it’s only me having a joke,” he said.

     I didn't know what he meant. Who was it having a joke? Why was he having a joke? Didn’t he want me for his breakfast really? I peeped round from mum’s legs, and realised who it was; Dad.

     It was my dad, back from his ‘ventures at last. Come back to take care of me as he should have been all along. He must have heard the promise I made to Mae Khong Kha not to get on his nerves if he would only come back to me. He must have heard my promise and my wish too because, guess what he brought with him?

     The pink Barbie Bike that I really, really wanted, with a bell and everything. 

I love Christmas. I love my dad.

       

       

A letter from Australia

I’ve had a letter from my granddad in Australia. It was a bit of a puzzle because I can’t read and nor can my mum. We asked Gary to read it for us but he made an excuse of not having his glasses. Mum gave him my dad’s glasses but he said they were the wrong type. He then remembered a pot. He said he’d left something cooking and then went without winking at mum.

Mum said it was probably because he can’t read either.

     We took it school with Kop (the big one who thinks he’s my brother, but isn’t really). His teacher, who’s American but said he can read English, read it for us.

     It wasn’t worth the effort really, all it said was “Have a Merry Christmas”. Well, were Buddhist and don’t have Christmas. It also said “I hope you’re being a good girl”. I’m too little enough not to be.

     He also said that he thinks he’s getting a little forgetful in old age. I should say so. He forgot to put the twenty dollars in the envelope.

     I think I should like to go to Australia. They have kangaroos with didgeridoos there. And bananas in pyjamas. In fact, lots of things rhyme in Australia. The only problem with being in Australia that I can think of is all their seasons are back to front. It’s summer in the winter and autumn in the spring. It must be terribly difficult knowing what to wear.

     Dad said there are only two seasons in Thailand; wet and not wet. He’s such a liar. There are four that I can think of; wet with sunshine, wet without sunshine, not wet with sunshine and not wet without sunshine. We’re in the not wet without sunshine at the moment.

     I don’t feel the cold like Thais do. I have to wear my furry coat anyway and get too hot when I run around chasing the chickens. They have a lovely house and a big fence but they are always excaping. It’s a stupid thing to do as Leo, Tiger and Jenny would bite them to bits if they were quick enough. So I have to do lots of running to catch the chickens and chase the dogs away. It’s such a headache.

     If you are in Lilo in India and see my dad, tell him to come home quick before all the chickens are gone. I know uncle Diamond is there. And so too is uncle and aunt Eminem. If you love me like you say you do then speak to him about his besronsibilities will you.

       

What's your favourite colour?

I just have back from a holiday. We went to Bangkok. Bangkok is the capital of Thailand in case you didn’t know. It’s where the King lives, but we didn’t see him. He’s very old now and quite sick, so I don’t expect mum wanted to disturb him.

     It was his birthday and I didn’t have a present for him so it was probably just as well that we didn’t see him. Not that he would have minded us not having a present. He’s really rich and I don’t think anything made of purple colour plastic would have impressed him much.

     Everything mum buys seems to be made of purple colour plastic. Dad used to hate it when she came back from market and said, “Look what I’ve bought.” He used to wait until she wasn’t looking and give it to me saying, “Get your teeth into that.” That was even before I had teeth. I got loads now but am grown out of putting things in my mouth.

     Funny, now that dad isn’t here anymore, she’s stopped buying purple plastic stuff. She bought loads of things when we were in Bangkok but nothing made of plastic, and nothing purple colour. I wonder if...no, that’s a silly thought.

     I think she misses him too. I sometimes hear her crying when she thinks I’m asleep. I roll over, pretending to be still asleep, and cuddle her. She cuddles me back and sings a song. Not she santies like dad used to sing, but soft love songs that I don’t understand.

     It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand the words, it is the sound of her voice, all soft and sweet without being sticky, that makes me happy. We’re like two abandoned sister princesses finding comfort in each other’s arms, waiting together on our mattress of dry leaves in the woods for the day our prince returns. He will find us, barely alive, and take us home to make our house a castle again, and us all to be a family.

    

Loy Krathong

I didn’t know it was a special day yesterday, so it was a big surprise to me when we went out at nightime and I saw all the lights. It was a majestical experience.

     All day long my brothers, well, I don’t know what else to call them, they live in my house, that my dad built, and mum feeds them, but they are no relatives of mine thank you, were making boats out of banana leaves and flowers. They put candles on them too, and I have to say, they did look good.

I tried to make one. It was rubbish, and I got shouted at for mucking theirs up. So I wasn’t in a very good mood again when mum’s friend, Cun, the man with one eye who winks at me with both eyes shut, like I do, came round and took us all to the lake. Not the one at the bottom of my garden, the one in town.

     When we got there, I was amazed. Everybody had been spending the day making banana leaf boats as well. All the candles were lit and were floating all over the lake. Mum lit our candles and we all floated our boats to join with the others.

     We had to make a wish to Mae Khong Kha. She’s the Goddess of all the water spirits. We have to say “Thank you” to her for the rain we’ve just had to make the rice grow. If she’s in the mood, and you don’t ask for something stupid, she’ll make your wish come true.

     I didn’t wish for my dad to come back. I thought that might be pushing my luck because my dad is going to come back, or not, when it suits him, not to please me or any old water Goddess. What I wished for was that if when he comes back, he brings me a pink Barbie bicycle with him.

     They don’t have Loy Krathong in England. Dad told me once that in England, everybody has to do what the Christians want. He said they get angry if you say you don’t want to, though it’s not so bad now. In the olden days, before the war, and even before my dad was born, they would kill you if you said “Get stuffed Jesus,” or anything like that.

     The Christian people have special days too, but they make their wishes for Barbie bikes and stuff to Jesus. My dad says that he is a symbol of their beliefs. He said that they believe Jesus’ mum was still a virgin when he was born. “Do me a favour” he said. Also that they celebrate the day when they killed Jesus for saying “Do me a favour” when they asked him if his dad was a carpenter.

     The Christians cebrilate killing lots of people in the olden days for saying “Do me a favour” when asked “Do you want to be a Christian?” The Christians don’t do that anymore. If people still want to do that, they have to join the Muslims.  

     

Kit see dam

I think I’ve caught my dad’s black thoughts. I don’t mean ‘caught’ because it’s not something ‘tagious, like a snotty nose. I think it must be ‘reditary, like a big nose, not that we have big noses, but we are both long in size for our ages. It’s really amazing having something like that in common. Better than having a big nose anyway.

     I’m long in size for my age, I’m one and a quarter years old and nearly a metre long. He’s... I don’t know exactly, but pretty old, and he’s nearly two metres long, which is really long for someone his age as well.

     You don’t see many really old people who are long in size do you? Dad said that that is because when you get old, you start to shrink in size. Either that or you drop down dead before you get to be really old.

     He used to say that he’d rather be dead than really old, even if shrinking in size would save him.

     Anyway, I’m getting diverted away from telling you about the black thoughts I think I’ve ‘herited. He used to have ‘kit see dam’ when he shouted at me to leave his bloody stuff alone. Now he’s not here anymore, I’m the one who gets fed up with people getting on my nerves. I get very fed up with it indeed.

      It’s not like when my brothers get on my nerves. That’s just them being stupid. They aren’t my real brothers anyway, so not worth getting upset over. Boys are just stupid. It’s their nature. They never really upset me. It’s not them that makes me ‘pressed. I can’t think what it is, it’s difficult to explain, I just feel really, really, fed up with everything.

     Like yesterday, I wasn’t hungry so gave my dinner to Leo. She always sits waiting for me to drop food, that’s why she’s so fat, but mum got cross with me. She didn’t shout or anything, but I just burst out crying. I never cry. Well a little bit when I’m tired and can’t sleep in case I miss something funny, but not for silly things.

     Sometimes I wish I could pack a bag, go away, and be on my own somewhere else. I’d make sure whatever it is that ‘presses me is left behind, then when I start missing everybody, I can come back.

     But I can’t do that because I’m too little enough.

     Maybe that’s why my dad isn’t here anymore. Maybe he’s waiting in India to miss me.

     Maybe that’s why I’m so ‘pressed. Maybe it is ‘tageous after all. He could have left behind whatever it was that ‘pressed him, gone away to wait until he starts missing me before he comes back, and I’ve caught it.

     He should be missing me by now though. It’s been ages. How long does it take to miss someone?

     I missed him the moment I woke up and found him gone.

Confessions of a bad girl

I think I’m becoming a cokeaholic. It was mum’s birthday yesterday and I got really drunk on Coca-Cola again. Did you know that there are many different kinds and colour of Coke? I’ve tried them all but I don’t recommend you try mixing yours when you drink it. I won’t ever again. I feel awful this morning.

     We had a great party for mum’s birthday. I forget how old she said she was now but it was a really big number. She said it was going to be her last one. I hope that means that she’s not going cebrilate in future and not that she is going too die before her next one. If she did; I’d be an orphan. That would be cool but I’d miss her.

     Have you ever done karaoke? It’s dead funny. Everyone takes turns to sing along to the song on the TV. Mum was best. My brother Kop, who’s not my real brother anyway, was rubbisher than anyone else. I just danced. I wanted to sing but every time someone gave me the stick called ‘microphone’ I got shy.

     I don’t know why it’s called ‘microphone’ because ‘micro’ means really small, and it was really big. Some words are a bit stupid I think.

     Dad phoned to say “happy birthday” to mum and spoke to me. I’m getting to be a liar just like him. He said “Don’t drink any bloody Coca Cola will you.” And I said “No”. It just came out. It’s the first time I’ve ever said anything. He was really happy to hear me speak.

     I tried to cover up my lie by saying “No” to everything he said. I thought it would make him think I didn’t know what I was saying. Now I feel terrible. He asked if I was missing him and I said “No”. He wanted to know if I’ve been a good girl and I said “No”.

     The first time I’ve ever had a proper conservation with him and I told two lies.

     It’s his fault really. If he hadn’t pissadeared like he did and stayed here to bring me up properly I’d be a good girl. I’d not have to tell lies and I wouldn’t have a drink problem.

Chicken run.

My chickens have a new home. I helped mum make a house for them. Their old one fell down when the wind came after the rain finished and we had to keep them in an empty fish tank. They didn’t say thank you and ran away instead. I don’t know; there’s no pleasing some chickens.

     It took nearly all day to find and catch them. I thought chickens were stupid but they are very clever at running and hiding.

     We have a mum chicken called hen and a dad chicken called cock. There are four baby ones called chicks and one in the middle but I don’t know what she’s called. Mum says that she’s going to have chicks soon. I can’t see how, she hasn’t got a husband, only a dad.

     I don’t have a dad. Not any more. He said he was coming home but that’s been ages and he’s only phoned twice. I don’t think he’s ever coming home, he’s such a liar and likes peace and quiet better than he likes me. I shouldn’t be on my own with only a mum and two brothers who aren’t even my real brothers, getting on my nerves all the time.

     I’ve sent loads of e-mails but he left his precious ‘puter behind and I don’t know if they have internet in India. Probably not, I’ve seen pictures of India and it’s very ‘fusing; they have loads of diamonds and money and stuff, but everyone is poor and would love to live in a house as nice as the one our chickens have. I don’t know why they don’t sell their diamonds and build proper houses for everyone.

     And get plugged into the internet.

A night at the movies

The movie lorry came to town for the last night of the Chinese holiday. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Mum calls it movie when she watches TV. But the one in the lorry is a lot differenter. For one thing it was more than five times bigger than a TV, and the movie stars in the lorry pictures didn’t shout and cry all the time.

     I thought it was majestic to start with, but it took a very long time to finish and I fell asleep after getting bored and playing ‘run around the people’.

     The lorry was parked in the middle of the road next to the river and shone a light on a big white wall to make the movie stars do their fighting and stuff. Everyone sat in the road to watch it. It was very clever but no one told the motor bikes to go a different way. So I nearly got bumped a few times when I played ‘run around the people’.

     Dad would have been very angry with them. If there’s one thing he can’t stand; its motor bikes trying to bump him. I couldn’t get angry because I’m too little enough.

     Lots of people came to sit by the river. Not to look at the movie lorry, but to watch out for the fire dragon who comes onto the river every year at full moon of October time.

     The dragon must have come after I fell asleep because I didn’t see him.

I found my dad

Dad phoned yesterday. He’s not in Lilo at all, he’s in India. But I’m not to tell anyone. How can I? I can’t talk yet. If I could I would have told him bloody not to go away without telling me.

He said he had to go to get some work done. He’s up against a deadline. That worried me even more until I had the chance to look up ‘deadline’; it’s got nothing to do with being dead. But now he’s gone and got his finger stuck which is why he couldn’t speak too long. He said if he can get his finger out, he’ll be back soon.

He said he likes it in India, at least the clean part where he stays. That’s why he named me India; “The Jewel of the East”. I like that, but I think he got it wrong.

I wouldn’t have minded being called ‘Cathay’, or even ‘China’. At least it’s more romantic sounding than Gary with his “Manchester”, yuk!

Talking of which, he’s been around again getting on our nerves. He said to mum; “I hope you’re managing ok with him not being here to look after you. Is there anything I can do for you if you know what I mean?”

Mum said; “Chai ka. Kun pai lao, kwai.” For those of you who can’t understand Thai it means; yes, go and do something rude with a buffalo. For those of you who can understand, then I’m sorry about the spelling. Gary didn’t understand, and he can’t spell either.

Happy holidays.

It’s been holiday time again. The Chinese have been having lots of fun so we did too. That’s why I haven’t done my blog lately. We went on a bus. I had never been on a bus before. It was dead good. At least the first bit, it was a long journey to a place called Burriram, so I got bored and slept a lot till it got dark again. Mum calls it “Bullylam” because she can’t say the letter ‘r’ very well. It’s down near Bangkok. Bangkok is our capital city if you don’t know much.

Mum’s younger sister lives there in a toy shop. Oh my God, I don’t where to start telling how majestic it is living in a toy shop for two days, and not having anyone telling me not to touch stuff. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss not having dad around, but can you imagine what it would have been like? The same as him going to live in a pub for two days and telling him he’s only allowed to drink cups of tea. Leave the snooker table alone, you’ll break it. Don’t touch the dartboard, it’s dangerous. Behave yourself and stop whistling every time the barmaid bends over.

We came back home through a huge storm with loud bangs and lightning flashing all the way. Mum kept telling the driver to slow down but he couldn’t hear with the thunder. It was majestic swishing through all the water. Everyone was dead scared, except for me.

Mum said it was good we came home when we did. All the roads are squished away and we would have been stuck there. I think that would have been more than majestic, it would have been supermajectic.

I really, really want a puppy

Jenny’s a grandmother, and she’s only four years old. She had five babies when she was still two. One of her daughters, who lives at the house we had the party, now has five sons. Leo already had ten, that’s loads, even more than five.

I don’t know where they all live now. They had to go away to live somewhere else because it is unlucky in Thailand to keep puppies from the first litter. Litter is what you call puppies when they are born. It doesn’t mean they are rubbish because they are not.

Dad didn’t even have to put his foot down and be ignored. Mum is very superstrictious which dad says can be annoying, but sometimes is handy.

I wanted to take one of Jenny’s grandson puppies home to live with us and sleep in my bed. Actually I wanted to take all five but thought that would be pushing luck too far.

I picked out the one that was fat and lazy looking with droopy eyes because he reminded me of dad. But mum put her foot down this time. Her feet aren’t as big as dad’s, (no one’s are) but when she puts them down, they stay put down.

She said it is unlucky to bring home puppies from the same family. I think she made that up because it sounds haberdashery to me.

Anyway now I think about it, it probably isn’t a good idea. I don’t want dad to be angry when he comes back from Lilo and have him say; “How the bloody are we going to feed more? I’m not made of money.”

If he were, mum would have spent him a long time ago. That’s a joke by the way in case you think I meant it.

Anyway, it may be that Jenny will be having more babies soon because all the dogs have got sticky bums at the moment. It’s to do with the heat apparently. When it gets too hot, all the dogs get sticky bums. Then they have babies.

I don’t know if that’s true or not but it’s what my mum said, and she’s not a liar like my dad.

Art and ambition.

It was my sister’s birthday yesterday. She went to Vulgaria to cebrilate instead of going to college to do her art stuff. We don’t do art stuff here in Thailand. Dad said that no one does it because everyone has to work too hard growing rice, watching the cows to make sure they eat properly, and catching fish, snakes and geckos for their dinner.

I don’t really know what art stuff is, but it has to be more interesting than growing rice. I know we have to eat but wouldn’t it be better to buy things to eat at the market and do art stuff instead?

I have three sisters. They all live in England. Two of them do art stuff and one would like to but is too busy making sure her children eat properly and teaching them to them to behave themselves and say “thank you”.

I don’t think I will do art stuff. I like singing and dancing so maybe I’ll be a movie star instead. I wanted to be Miss Thailand but dad said I am too clever.

I got drunk last night

Everyone woke up late today with an overhang. We went to a party yesterday. We had a majestic time and I had Coca Cola. At first I wished dad was with us but then I was glad he wasn’t. Now I wish he was. He’d have stopped me having Coca Cola and maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad today.

I drank so much that I got hiccups. But that didn’t stop me. I got burps as well so that I was drinking Coca Cola, hiccupping and burping at the same time, snot came out my nose and made big bubbles. Everyone laughed and so did I.

We had lots of music. Happy music, not the sort that dad would play. He calls his music ‘blues’. It’s sad and boring. He calls happy music “Rubbish” but I like it.

It wasn’t a party like the ones that wedding and dead people have. For one thing; there were no plastic chairs. Most of us sat on the floor, when we weren’t dancing and having majestic fun.

I wore my sparkly dress, the one I was going to save for my wedding but now realise will be too small and old fashion by then. Mum wore her ‘sexy pants’ but had her big Juventus football club shirt on top so no one could see she was wearing sexy pants. (Juventus just came up on ‘spell check’ and wanted to change it to duvet. How stupid is that?)

Anyway, I think I may have been mistaken when I thought dad was in the monkey house. I heard someone saying he was in Lilo. I understand Thai a little bit. No one spoke English much. It was a bit difficult understanding at first because in our house we speak English, even when dad’s not there, except when mum wants to swear at him.

I heard Supot the muggler man, who gets stuff for dad from Laos across the river, say in English (he does that when he doesn't want people to know what he's saying) that it was a pity dad had to go away to Lilo. He said it was getting too hot here.

Now I’m confused. I’m glad if he’s not in the monkey house, even if he was happy making furniture, but I don’t know where Lilo is or if he’s happy there. And if it’s too hot here, why didn’t he take me with him? I don’t like it when it gets too hot either.

Words and stuff

I’m sorry if my blogs seem a bit sad lately. I wanted to stop doing them when my dad went away. But it helps me to ‘talk’ when I’m sad. If you love me like you say you do then you’ll put up with it I guess. It’s probably a good thing that you don’t reply. Nothing you could say would make me miss him less, but please indulge me. That’s my new word; indulge. It’s a good one isn’t it? I found it when I looked up inmate.

Dictionaries are a good idea I think. People who write dictionaries must be the cleverest people there are. They not only know all the words, but what they mean as well. My dad says he knows all the words in the world. He’s such a liar. If he did, he wouldn’t say “bloody” so much.

I know lots of words. Some of them are not even in my dad’s dictionary. When I get big and have my own ‘puter, I’m going to write my own dictionary with all the words that aren’t in my dad’s.

You can help if you like. You can be a contibutor. Send me your words, and if they are not in my dad’s dictionary, I’ll put them in mine. I’ll inclucate them in my future blogs so everyone can get used to the new words.

I don’t know what “blog” means, or where it came from. It’s not in my dad’s dictionary. (I’m surprised that ‘television’ is there, it’s so old.) I don’t know if it’s a good word or not. It sounds ugly to me, like ‘blob’, ‘slob’, ‘snog’, and ‘snot’.

They have loads of words in Thailand as well, but not as many as in English. Lots of the words are difficult to say, like the words that start with the ‘ng’ sound. Dad can’t say them at all. He tries very hard to speak in Thai but says that if you don’t say the words exactly right then no bugger understands. “The same as the bloody frogs!”

I didn’t know that frogs could speak. I listen very carefully but it sounds like the same word being spoken over and over again. There are lots of frogs in our ponds at the moment and they all speak at the same time so I really can’t imagine how they even understand each other.

In Thai they say the word first, I think it’s called a noun, and then the type of word second. I forget what that’s called. Is it pronoun? It could be adjective or adverb. I think I’ll learn to speak first and then worry about the name of the word when I go to school.

Anyway, they say “bus red” and “girl good” instead of “red bus” and “good girl”. Dad says the frogs do the same. So what he must mean is; they say “croak croak” instead of “croak croak”? What a load of haberdashery.

I know haberdashery means something else. It’s an old word that no one uses any more, but it sounds a lot better than the word dad uses, so I think I’ll reinvent it for my dictionary.

Unwanted visitor

Bloody Gary’s been around again. Sorry, I know I shouldn’t say that. But I don’t know why he keeps coming. He’s drunk all dad’s beer and still he comes.

He doesn’t bring Manchester with him, which is a blessing, but I still don’t like him being here. I bite him when I get the chance. He picks me up and says stupid things to me. “Goo, goo, goo,” he says, so I poke his eye and bite him.

Mum doesn’t like him being here either. He tries to get her to drink beer with him. I know she likes to drink beer, but only with my dad. She just lets it get warm in the glass and then pours it away when he’s gone.

I know dad’s in the monkey house making furniture. Everyone knows, but he tries to make out he doesn’t know. “How’s he doing? Have you heard from him? What’s the old bugger up to?” he’d say.

How dare he call my dad that. That’s what my dad calls me.

Mum tries to ignore him. She can’t be rude, it’s not her nature. But after he’s finally gone, she gets her own beer, pours it in the glass and cries.

Day number,,,who cares

I don’t now how many days it’s been now. I stopped counting after day five. Not because I’ve stopped caring, but that’s all I can count up to.

I used to try and remember my numbers. What I mean is; what order they come in. I know lots of numbers, I don’t know how many of course, but found it dicficult remembering what one comes after the next. Now I can’t care less really.

It’s a relief to know where he is at least. And that’s why he’s not phoned. Even if he had a phone I expect it would have been consifcated and sold to buy whiskey for the police.

I don’t know sometimes who is worse; the bad men or the police. Dad said that the only difference is; the police don’t have tattoos. He said it’s the same in England. “The police there don’t take money to buy whiskey. They take money and give it to Heir Hitler.” Heir Hitler, if you remember, is what he calls the government. “Then Heir Hitler uses the money to buy more police stuff, so’s they can get even more money. I’d shoot the bloody lot of them if I was in charge.” It’s a good thing he’s not.

One good thing is that I can go on dad’s ‘puter without him shouting at me. It’s good that I can go on his ‘puter, but I do miss him shouting at me. Somehow it’s not the same. “Oy! You little bugger, get off my ‘puter,” he’d say. “Good Girl,” I’d reply. He’d laugh. Sorry, but I think I’ll go now.

Still no call

It’s day five and still he hasn’t come home. I’ve not heard the phone ring and I’m so worried. Everyone else is doing ordinary things, even mum. My stupid brothers, who aren’t even my real brothers, and I wish they’d pissadeared and not my dad, are carrying on as if my dad doesn’t matter. They wake up, eat their breakfast, do a poo and go to school without a worry. I hate them.

Mum still wakes up, makes the breakfast, takes them to school, comes home and does the washing and ironing. But I don’t hate her.

The only good thing is; I get to go on her motor bike because she wouldn’t leave me at home on my own. I don’t care if she did. But I like the motor bike ride.

We go to the market and everyone says; “Hello farang noi.” (That is “Little foreigner”). I used to like being called that. Now it gets on my nerves and I wish they’d shut the bloody up.

I keep hoping someone would ask where my dad is, and mum would have to tell them and then I’d know.

But she wouldn’t tell them if the mafia men had kidnapped him. His beer mat collection is still in the big box, so they haven’t asked for that. Unless it’s so val’able my mum won’t swap it for my dad. No, I can’t believe that.

She wouldn’t tell anyone if he’d been arrested and taken to the monkey house. But she wouldn’t have to. Everyone would know if that was true. Maybe it is. That’s why they don’t ask where he is. Oh my God! That must be it.

He’s been arrested and thrown in the monkey house with all the bad men. But for what? He hasn’t got any tattoos. All the bad men in the monkey house have lots of tattoos. I saw them once when dad took me there to buy a new bed.

I thought it strange that we didn’t go to the bed shop. Dad said that all the good stuff is made in the monkey house.

He said that the police arrest bad men who cut down all the good trees. They consifcate the wood and tell them to make furniture with it, or else.

Or else what? I don’t know, but they looked happy doing the furniture, so maybe they don’t know ‘or else’ either. The things they made were pretty amazing, we’ve got loads of stuff made by the bad men. Dad said that he wanted to make his own furniture, but you can’t get the good wood.

Well, he can make lots of furniture now that he’s in the monkey house. It’s nice knowing where he is. It’s nice to know he’s happy making things with the good wood. I only hope he doesn’t have to get a tattoo.

Where's my dad?

I woke the day before yesterday and went to my dad’s bed for a cuddle and he wasn’t there. Now I can’t find him and don’t know where he is. I remember he was extra cuddly before I went to sleep. But I couldn’t understand what he said as I was super sleepy.

I looked everywhere for him and waited all yesterday and today, but he hasn’t come back home. And I don't know where he is
.
He doesn’t have a phone. He says they’re silly. I think he’s silly for not having a phone so I can call him and know that he’s ok.

Maybe he’s been kidnapped by the mafia people and they want his collection of beer mats for a ransom. Everybody says his beer mats are smashing and they wish they had as many. They must be very val’able, ‘specially the clean ones.

I don’t think he’s been arrested. Not this time. He told me he doesn’t do bad things anymore. Not since he rebounded onto my mum and had me, and has only been arrested one time since I was born.

I remember, the police went away very wobbly legged after drinking all dad’s whiskey and soda, and dad saying; “Ten thousand Baht! Bloody disgusting! They should be arrested.”

Maybe he’s had to go away on business. But he doesn’t work so I can’t imagine what business he’s had to go away on. All he does is write his stupid books. He’s always saying that he will have to go away to get some peace and quiet so he can write better. Even on top of a mountain, in the middle of a desert, surrounded by an ocean, there wouldn’t be enough peace and quite for that.

Oh, it’s so ‘strating not knowing where he is. You will tell me if you know, won’t you. I won't mind if he's having a love affair somewhere, but he shouldn't forget me. I'm missing him so much. Please tell him to phone me.

All the fun of the fair

We've had a great weekend, it's been majestic. For three days, that's Friday, Sunday and yesterday, the town has been very busy with loads of people here to see the 'long boat' racing on the River Mekong, here in Bueng Kan.

They are called 'long boats' because that is what they are. dad told me how many men there is in each boat, but I forget. It's the number five, with another number five sitting next to it.

They race with each other and go very fast. Everyone shouts and screams for their boat to win. They are very happy when they do, but others just say rude words. I could tell you what the words are, but they are Thai words. You won't understand, so I won't bother.

The best bit for me was the bump cars. Dad wouldn't let me go on my own, but I sat with him and he let me drive. I tried to bump everybody but no one tried to bump me. I think they were scared to try and bump my dad.

I know I would have been scared to try and bump my dad. He's bad enough when he drives his Mitsubishi and they don't even bump him. Only nearly bump him.

He let me go on other rides that go round and round but they were too slow and boring. My brothers who aren't my real brothers went on the bouncy castle blow up air bag. I couldn't because I was an inch too short. I hope I can grow another inch before next year.

They had such a great time that they were sick. Dad said it was because of all the shit they ate, and the Coca Cola. I don't think it was that. I think it was because they had such a majestic time. I sometimes get sick when I'm all excited and I don't eat shit, Or drink Coca Cola.

LINGER FICKIN' GOOD

Now that I'm getting big and have loads of teeth, I can eat anything. Well nearly anything, not chilli and pepper though. I tried a chilli once. I thought it was a piece of plastic. I can't describe what it was like. Don't try to find out for yourself will you. My tongue was on fire and wouldn't go away, no matter how much I spitted. Mum gave me some yoghurt that helped a bit. Now I don't eat any plastic if it looks like a chilli.

Dad says that it's easy for me to learn to feed myself because everybody in Thailand sits on the floor to eat, and they all use their fingers.

I have my dinner on my own plate, the same as dad does. Everyone else eats off the same plate. It always looks better than what I get. Dad says it's the same, but he's such a liar. I try to take their dinner and they all shout"Oy!" It's great fun.

I can say "Good Girl" now. Every time I do something naughty, I say "Good Girl". Everyone laughs instead of yak me. It's great fun and I want to say more words and make everyone laugh.

Be careful with your keywords

Dad's been busy doing research on the 'puter, so mum hasn't been able to use the phone. She said "Why are you taking too long, and why are there pictures of girls with no clothes on?" He said; "They do have clothes on. Not much I admit, but there are worse. you have to be careful what you put in the search box."

He says that one of the characters in his new book is an escort girl. He wants to know what escort girls do. He's such a liar.

He then showed her the other sites he's been 'vestigating; all the different guns you can get on mail order, big drug shipments, famous gangsters, private airfields, secret service and loads of other weird stuff.

I don't know what kind of book he's writing this time, but I think he ought to be careful and stick to cowboy stories.

WAKEY - WAKEY

I've just got back from yet another party. I thought; oh no, not another blooming wedding. But this party was for someone dead.

Dead is where you're not here anymore, like my real brother Matthew. Mum says that everyone has to die so that you can be made into something else. Dad says it's to feed the worms. He's really horrible, and only says stupid things like that to upset me.

I don't care though. I'm going to come back as a Barbie Doll. I'm going to have all the Barbie stuff in the picture I've got. He can feed the worms if he likes.

I didn't know you had a party for when you're dead though. It's the same as a wedding party; same tent roof on poles, same plastic chairs, same people and same rotten horrible food. But it goes on for three days instead of only one.

We only stayed one hour. "It's long enough to be polite and not so long that you get bored or hungry," said dad.

He forgot to lock the dogs out, so when we got back, there were dirty feet marks everywhere. Jenny was asleep on the mat. Leo and Tiger were no where to be seen as usual. Dad shouted and threw a flip-flop at her. he missed and knocked the clock onto the floor.

So now we don't know what the time is. Dad says it doesn't matter. He knows when it's dinner time and when it's sleep time, without a clock to tell him.

TWO AND TWO MAKE LOADS

In case you're interested, and you should be, because it's important, I now have nearly as many teeth as I have fingers, and that's loads.

Dad says that I now have nearly as many as he does. (Actually I think I have more, but I don't want to upset him.)

He says I'm such a clever little bugger for having so many teeth. So why aren't I walking and talking yet?

Well I'll tell you shall I? If I could walk, he'd be telling me to sit down. And if I could talk, he'd be telling me to shut up.

Ton up in the afternoon

I've just been for a ride on my mum's motor bike. Dad doesn't know. he's banned mum from taking me. But she never listens to him. She hasn't told him either. I think that's where I get my impedendance from.

We went to collect my brothers who aren't my real brothers from school. We drove really slowly which was a bit of a drag, but it was still very windy. I sat at the front, in my special seat. I could see everything as it all whizzed past.

I can't wait 'til I'm bigger and can have my own motor bike. I can still only count to five so don't know how long i have to wait. I know ten, that's a big number. I hope I don't have to wait that long.

Dad says that ten years soon pass. He's been married to my mum for five years. He says that it seems like ages. I wish he'd make up his mind.

When I get my motor bike I'm going to drive really fast and scare everybody. It will be a pink Vespa. Like in the picture of Barbie. I will wear a matching pink hard hat so the police won't fine me 200 baht to go and buy whiskey.

For now though, I have to wait 'til he's busy writing his stupid book, or building another pond, so I can sneak out with mum for a ride.

I don't know why he's building another pond. He's already filled in two near the house so that I won't fall in and drown when he's taken his eye off me for a second.

He says he's not worried about the new pond. By the time it's finished, I'll be old enough to understand that it's dangerous.

That's the best bit about being little; Nothing is dangerous.

I can see what he means about taking a long time. It's going to be huge, more like a lake really. There will be a house on an island in the middle. Where he say he can go and get some peace and quiet at last.

I'll be able to sit with him and get some peace and quiet as well. I'll ask him every five minutes if he's getting enough peace and quiet. When he's really happy I will then ask if he will buy me a pink Vespa.

Who's calling?

Aren't telephones great? My dad doesn't like telephones. he says people only call him if its bad news, or they want something. But I love them. Even things that look like phones, I love. Like TV remote controls. Even shoes, well, they look like phones to me. I like to pick up, put to my ear, and say "Hello".

Sometimes I hear a voice back, though I don't understand what it means. It's usually the same lady and she says; "Sorry, but the person you require doesn't respond. Please try again later." Or something like that. I say "Hello", but she hangs up. She's very rude.

Sometimes the person says "Hello" so I say "Hello" back, and they say "Hello" again. I then say "Hello" and they say "Hello" back, so I say "Hello" again. And then they hang up.

Sometimes it sounds like my Auntie in Australia, and sometimes like my sister in England. But they only ever say "Hello".

Sometimes when I've hung up, the phone rings. My dad always takes it off me. He says; "Sorry, it must have been that little bugger India. How are you anyway?"

He then gives me his stern look. It doesn't scare me. Well only a little bit. I laugh and he looks at me sterner which makes me laugh even more. So he looks even sternerer. Then he laughs as well.

BUDDHA CAN YOU SPARE A BAHT?

It's been a special holiday here this week. I don't know why. Dad says its because the monks need the money. Mum says he shouldn't say that.

She says that monks are special people, and you have to be kind to monks and give them food and money, so you can be 'carnated into something nice when you die.

Dad said; "How much will it cost me to be 'carnated as a tree? And is it a different price depending on what kind of tree I want to be?"

Mum said he shouldn't say stupid things like that or he may be 'carnated as a dog. "That won't be so bad," he said. "Look at Jenny, Leo and Tiger. They just laze around all day waiting for their dinner. Just like monks do in fact."

Mum walked away, shaking her head, but he carried on talking to himself. I was listening though.

He said that the monks ought to get their act together, and make a price list. Like the Christians
used to do. Look how much money the Pope's got, for God's sake.

He then looked at me and said; "They used to sell insurance you know. People would buy a guarantee to get into heaven."

He looked thoughtful about what he'd just said, and added; "Well, it must have worked. No one ever came back demanding a refund."

The hole truth

I found my drum sticks. They were on top of the cupboard, and I had to put my drum on the chair and climb up to get them. They were at the very back. Behind a jug full of water and flowers.

Dad just smiled when he saw the broken jug on the floor. But mum was very cross. She said it was her favourite angel jug, and had liked all the sparkly colours on the angel's head.

I don't remember putting my sticks on top of the cupboard. And now they have pissadeared again. Oh well, I guess I'll go down the pub for a game of snooker.

Dad's down there now. fixing a big bullet hole in the roof. He says he doesn't know how it got there. He's such a liar.

Anyway, I now know why dad always goes down the pub when he's fed up with something. It's great, especially the snooker table. It has lots of little nets hanging down. When my dad has a game of snooker, sometimes a ball falls down a hole into one of the nets. I pick it out and throw it back up on the table and make him shout; "Oi!"

GETTING CUT OFF

It was great fun yesterday. Lots of other men were playing snooker 'cause dad was too busy. The balls were falling in the nets a lot quicker than when dad plays (I think he must be an expert). I had to rush around to put them back on the table. They didn't shout; "Oi!" (It must be an English word). They only laughed.

They were from the Electric Company. The first men to come said they wanted to 'cut my dad off ', for not paying the bill. I was scared at first but they meant shut down the electric.

My dad had the money ready, on top of the cupboard, ready to pay the man who comes to collect it. But he never came. Mum had to phone her Uncle who's a boss at the Electric Company. She told him off for frightening me.

He told the men off for frightening me and told them to go away. But they were playing snooker by then, and drinking my dad's beer. Mum made them some lunch and they called their friends, who were busy cutting other people off, to come and play snooker and have some lunch.

After about an hour there were ... I can only count up to five, so I don't know exactly how many there were, but they had drunk all the beer. So dad had to go and buy some more. He used the money he had saved to pay the electric bill.

By 4 o'clock, I know it was 4 o'clock 'cause mum had gone to get my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, from school, all the beer had gone again, so dad had to go and get some more. But his Mitsubishi was blocked in by all the orange coloured electric lorries. So he had to take one of their lorries to get the beer.

When he came back, the police came with him. They wanted to make sure he wasn't telling them lies again. When they saw the men playing snooker, they said they wanted to play too. They didn't wait their turn which was very rude, but no one seemed to mind.

Mum came home home and said; "Are they bloody staying for dinner? 'Cause I no have enough." They said; "Yes please."

Dad took me and my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, to the market to buy more pork, in the police car 'cause it was blocking everyone else in.

He put the flashing lights on and drove very fast. The car didn't have a special sound button so we all shouted; "Eeee Awww, Eeee Awww." Well I tried, but couldn't get it right. It sounded more; "Arrr Arrr." Anyway, it was great fun and the pork lady had a big surprise when she saw us in the police car.

It was a good thing that my dad thought to get some more beer as well, 'cause when we got back, everyone shouted; " I hope you got some more beer?"

The electric men had got fed up waiting for the police to let them have a go at snooker, so they switched on the karaoke machine, and were all singing. Dad said they were "making a real racket." So he went and got my drum set, and the sticks he found, and played drums while they were singing.

We all had a great time and dad says he doesn't know how I managed to sleep with all the noise.

He says he made a profit, even though the police didn't pay their share. But he doesn't mind 'cause they let him have a go with their gun.

And he expects me to believe he has no idea how the bullet hole got in the roof?

Let there be drums

My dad has just bought me a drum set. It's a great present, and I love it. It has a foot pedal and sticks to to bang with and everything. Everyone laughed when I played with it. Dad now says it's the biggest mistake he's ever made. And I can't find the sticks anywhere.

I can't see how it was a mistake. Not like with the calc'lator he bought, that can't add up properly. Or the clock with the hands that run backwards. There's nothing wrong with the drum set. It sounds perfeck to me.

It doesn't matter much anyway, not having any sticks. My broken golf clubs make good sticks. So I can still play with it.

WOT! NO WATNEY'S

My dad has now finished building his pub. It's great 'cause I can go to the pub with him.
He told me that his Grandad use to take him to the pub all the time when he was a little boy.

His Grandad was something called a bookie. I don't know what that is exactly, but dad says that it was a good job, and he made a lot of money being a bookie.

He said that bookies didn't have shops when he was a little boy and the bookie had to go to all the pubs to collect the bets.

Bets are what you call it when you give money to a bookie and choose a horse to win a race. If the horse you pick does win, then you get your money back. If not, the bookie keeps it.

My Great Grandad won lots of money being a bookie, 'cause the bookie always wins. He then used to take my dad and my dad's Nan to the pub night times and buy lots of beer and whiskey and cigarettes.

I think that the best job of all is to be the pub boss. He gets the money that the bookies win and doesn't have to go out and worry about the coppers.

Coppers are people you have to give your money to, if you want to stay out of jail.

Dad said that he thought the same. He said he always dreamed of being the pub boss when he was a little boy. He told me he wanted a 'nice little pub in the country', all nicotine stained and smelling of stale beer. There would be two old men sitting in one corner, playing dominoes and supping the remains of their pensions. A couple of Teddy Boys would be at the juke box, chatting up a couple of girls with blond pony tails saying; "Go on love, another Babycham won't hurt you." At the bar, would stand some farmers with beetroot faces, moaning about the weather.

Dad said he would dream of seeing his Grandad again. He would be angry and crashing his ham of a fist on the counter 'cause Ted was a tanner short. Then buy him a pint anyway.

He'd see his Nan sitting at a table, playing whist with some friends. She'd sit there with an inch and a half of ash dangling off the end of a half inch cigarette butt, that would be glued to her bottom lip.

He said to me; "Is it only Player's Weights you could do that with?" How do I know!? Anyway, he said that only the butt ever hit the ashtray. The ash would have long ago dropped into her cleavage.

This time he didn't say that he was dreaming of a time before the war. But I could tell, by the look on his face, that he was. He sighed and said; "I have my dream country pub now. The only difference is that it's in a different country. And the only thing missing is; my Grandad's winnings."

Yet another wedding

I've just got back from another wedding in the village. they're all the same. Only it's a different girl, but with the same cushion stuffed up the front of her dress. And a different man, but with the same silly grin stuffed inside his face.

It's the same big tent roof stuck on poles. The same long wooden tables, and the same choice of red or blue plastic chairs.

This time, I thought I saw some pink plastic chairs, so wanted to sit on one of them for a change. They weren't pink at all. They were red, but very old, and had been left out in the sunshine.

There was no jelly, of course, only the same plates of yuccky stuff. I had a cucumber.

I don't know why I told you that. I 'spose it's because I was so bored, I wanted to bore you as well, so's you know how I felt.

When I get get married, it won't be boring, 'cause it won't be the same as anyone elses. We're talking at least twenty years time here, so by then I'll be able to have my wedding on the moon.

Everyone will come in rocket ships. though by then, I don't expect there will be any petrol left for rocket ships. You'll all have to come in Magnet Ships.

They're not invented yet. My idea, if no one pinches it, is to to build a giant magnet on the moon. It will have a positive charge. the Magnet Ships will have negative charges in them, so when they're switched on they will attract each other. The ships being smaller than the moon, will be drawn away from the earth's atmoswhatsit, out into space. When the ship is about a mile away, the magnet will be switched off, and the ship will parachute to the moon surface.

A bit far fetched do you think? well you wait and see if I'm not right.

I will, of course, design my own dress, and have Auntie Pee make it on her special machine that she makes things on.

I already have the perfect dress, but it won't fit me when I'm old.

I expect fashions will be different by then, so maybe I won't keep the pink sparkly stuff.

What I won't have, is that stupid cushion stuffed up the front. It must be traditional Thai style, but I don't like it.

There will be beer flavour jelly for dad and his friend. The rest of us will have champagne flavour. The cake will be twenty tiers high (because of the low gravy on the moon it won't fall over). And the toast will be in Coca Cola.

I shall invite everyone, even famous people like Mr. and Mrs. Beckhamandeggs, that's what dad calls them. I don't expect any famous people will come though. They will all be jealous because my wedding is better than theirs.

Now I bet you're all wondering how people will get back home? Well I'll tell you. It's quite simple really. The ships will have a positive charge in them, as well as negative. All you have to do is; switch over to positive and the magnet on the moon will push the ship away.

Because it is downhill all the way to earth, you just enjoy a free fall until it's time to use the parachute again.

Dad says it's a good idea and he wishes he'd thought of it.

The only problem , as he sees it is; if the government can't think of a way to tax magnetic currents, then they will ban it.

Death of the knife grinder

He was an old man; 80 years of age. He lived in our village, and was killed last week, on his way round abouts, looking for knives to grind.

He used to grind our knives, and made them nice and sharp. He's dead now because children are allowed to drive motor bikes.

They are not allowed to drive with one hand holding an umbrella, and talking rubbish to their friend on their mobile phone at the same time, but no one stops them.

His head was smashed in when the boy driving the motor bike hit him.

The doctors here where we live, are only any good at sticking needles in my bum. They cannot look after smashed heads, so he was sent a hundred miles away, to Tesco Lotus Town.

The doctors there couldn't help him either. They'd run out of vinegar and brown paper.

No one seems sad. Dad agreed with them that it is better that he died quickly. They all said that he was a good man so will come back again as someone happy.

Dad didn't say they were talking rubbish this time. He only said that he hopes it is true.

THE INDIA ARMS

Dad has been busy re-building the pub in our garden. He said that the pubs in town are rubbish, so will save the travelling and go to his own pub in the future.

It will have a darts board, a snooker table and a fridge for keeping the gnat's piss cold.

He calls it that because it's not proper beer. You can only get proper beer in England, here we go again, In Thailand they cannot make proper beer, only pretend beer.

He said I have to 'magine a million, billion, trillion gnats all having a wee into a big tub at the same time. Then they bottle it and stick a beer label on it and sell it.

Well, I can't 'magine it. I only think he's stupid for buying it if it's no good.

He used to have a pub in the garden before I was born. He said he had to close it because I was too much work to look after as well as the pub.

Anyway, he couldn't stand the people coming all the time and getting on his nerves.

He says this time, their will be no customers (I don't think he will notice much change there), Gary will be banned and the beer will be free. His idea of the perfect pub.

DYING TO MAKE THAT CALL

Dad doesn't believe in banning things (except Gary from his pub) but sometimes changes his mind.

There is a nasty bend in the road to town, 2 kilometres from here, (about half way). on the bend is a junction.

Nearly every week, some one has an accident there. If someone is on a motor bike, they are usually killed. and it's usually a child riding the motor bike. The junction takes the road to a school and the school doesn't seem to notice that less and less children now attend.

Yesterday a girl of 13 had an argument with her mum and rode into town to buy a phone card anyway.

A man in a pick up truck started his journey to take the day's money to his boss in Siwilli.

Either on her way there, or on the way back, I'm not sure which, one, or both of them, didn't see the other one.

The pick up truck has a bump in it. The girl is dead.

Her sister was killed three years ago.

Dad says that phone cards should be banned.

Can't get a decent sandwich

Dad is sleeping late today. He's been up all night re-doing his stupid book. He was sad yesterday because his editor lady told him off for making too many mistakes.

I don't know why he just doesn't tell her that its not his fault if spell check can't get its head around syntax. And there's no pluperfect button on the 'puter.

Anyway, its given me a chance to do my blog in peace and quiet, without him shouting at me all the time.

Now that I have had my birthday and I have SIX teeth, I've noticed that everyone has a different dinner to me. They have dinners with lots of lovely looking lumps in it. Though my dinners are lumpier now than when I was little, they are still basically stewed rice with pork or chicken in it. ( I sometimes think its chicken AND pork, stewed in rice.)

My dad has sandwiches. He has a different type each day. He sometimes shares them with me, they're lovely. He says his number one favourite is; Cheese and Pickle. But its just a memory for him, as you can't get Cheese and Pickle in Thailand. Can't even get proper bread.

You can actually. But you have to go to Tesco Lotus and its a hundred miles from where we live.

He gave me a cream cracker and said it's not the same as Jacobs. I expected him to have a moan, but said they are better than Jacobs.

He's always moaning about things not being as good as in England.

He's such a liar. He's always talking and moaning about things in England. The 'bloody government', the 'bloody taxes' the 'bloody stupid laws'. Then he goes on about the 'bloody weather', 'bloody traffic jams' and 'bloody traffic wardens'. Not to mention the 'bloody cameras everywhere' and the 'bloody nig-nogs', I think he means foreigners.

In Thailand they are called 'farang'. Me and dad are called farang. (Probably, bloody farang, though not to our face).

'Farang' comes from 'farangsee' which is Thai for French. Dad says he'd rather be called nig-nog than a Frenchman.

He says that in England you can be put in jail for saying nig-nog. Is that true? If it is then England is a very bad place if you can't say what you like without being put in jail for it.

No, I can't see how things can be better in England.

I think when my dad says they are, he's only really talking about Cheese and Pickle sandwiches.

Birthday bash

I had such a great time on my birthday, I don't know where to start telling you about it. Loads of people came to see me. I remembered some of them and there were more that I've never seen before. They all brought me presents. Except my brothers who aren't my real brothers.

I don't know why they bothered really, all the presents were rubbish. except the plastic wrappers, that was good fun. Oh, the golf clubs were good. At first I thought; who could possibly think I'd want golf clubs? As it turned out, they were the best, and I had great fun bashing everyone with them. They're broken now.

The jelly was great. Blackcurrant is best. Strawberry is good too, but guava and mango made me feel sick. They were the last two I tried, and maybe I was a bit full by then, so don't let me put you off trying them for yourself.

I didn't get to eat the whole cake. Everyone just helped themselves and I only had a little bit for myself. I think that was very rude of everyone.

The next day we all went to the waterfalls. But dad spoilt it for me. I so much wanted to slide down the rocks and splash in the pool at the bottom, but dad wouldn't let go of me. He said I'll have to wait till I'm two. That's ages!

I have some lovely pictures of me at the waterfalls, but I'm not wearing any pants and dad says I can't send them to you in case the piddlefiles get to see them and come to get me.

I'd like to see them try. My dad would bash the all up. He says that all piddlefiles should be bashed up. I don't like them either, but I'm not scared.

I had some lovely birthday messages from some of you. But I have to tell those who didn't send me a birthday message that you are very thoughtless. It's not like I didn't remind you or something.

Anyway, Auntie June and Uncle Mick didn't forget. They are very old so could have been forgiven for forgetting. Is that why some of you forgot? Too old to remember? Maybe, if so, I forgive you. It must be difficult enough being old. You don't need to be told for it as well.

My Uncle June and Auntie Mick have been to Glassandberry, and danced with no clothes on like they were still hippies or something.

No one noticed that they had no clothes on. It just looked like their kaftans needed ironing. At least, that's what my dad said.

They had a great time and met Rolf Harris, their number one idol. He has a big didgeridoo. Dad says that's not rude you know. Even if it sounds rude. They met Willie Nelson as well, and that's not rude either.

I gave my dad a special treat for my birthday. I stood up without holding on to anything. I know it's not exactly like walking but it made him very happy. He called me a clever little bugger.

I love it when he says that to me.

Countdown to my special day

I'm so excited I cannot sleep. Only two more days and I will be one year old. The best bit is; I'm going to have a party.

I don't know exactly what a party is, but I know you have to have a very tidy house for it. Mum has been extra busy with her scrubbers, and even dad has been busy, as mum has let him use the grass cutter machine. He had to promise not to go near anything that looks like it maybe a plant. So there are lots of clumps of big grass everywhere.

Mum has given all her friends an invitation. (That's a note saying; please come to my party). Dad made them on his 'puter, and they're in English which mum says is no bloody good because none of her friends can read English. Dad said; "That's good, maybe they won't come."

Dad said not to bother giving one to Gary as he can't read English either. Unfortunately he knows it's my birthday so will be coming anyway, especially as England can't play football in Africa anymore.

Dad says Germany beat England because they are rubbish. I think it's because Posh Beckham wouldn't let David play. Anyway, Uncle Giovanni will be coming which dad says is good. "At least he brings his own beer."

Uncle Giovanni used to be the boss of the mafia in Sicily, but he got fed up have to send hits out on everyone all the time. So came to Thailand for some peace and quiet.

He grows pigs now and sends rude e-mails to dad. he says he grows pigs to eat, but he's only joking. Giovanni only eats spaghetti and tomatoes.

I don't think mum is making spaghetti for my party. We're having brabeque. So he will probably have to go without and get grumpy again.

I wish you could come, but I know you live too far away. Two teachers from Kop's school are coming though. One of them is English and the other is American.

Dad says Americans are like English people but without any manners.

His name is John and he used to live in Alaska, which is nearer to Russia than it is to America. So he will probably be better behaved.

I hope everyone likes brabeque. I have six teeth now so am looking forward to it. That is if I don't get too filled up with the jelly dad brought back from Laos.

There are ten different flavours and I'm going to have one of each. I bet you didn't know there are ten different kinds of jelly did you. Well there are. I will tell you which one is best.

There's one thing I'm worried about though; I can't walk yet. Dad gave me one of his boring lectures today. He's told everyone that I will be walking before I'm one year old. He told me I'd better get my bloody skates on if he's not going to made out a liar.

Well, I don't have any skates. Even if I did they'd be no use if I can't even walk. Honestly, my dad can be so stupid at times.

Take it as red

Dad has just got back from Laos. I don't know why he went. Probably on a secret spy mission for his friend who sends him secret messages. I know they must be secret messages because he reads them very quickly and immediately presses the delete button.

Laos is a communist country you know; The Peoples Democratic Republic of Laos. It used to belong to the French. How can it belong to the French when it's so far away from France?

Anyway, they couldn't look after it properly so the communists said; "Right ho, bugger off you bloody frogs or we'll shoot you." They didn't need telling twice.

The Laos people are the same as us, but they talk a bit different. We are different to other people in Thailand, and we talk different too.

There are lots of different kinds of people living in Thailand, but the King says we must all be friends with each other, and stop shouting and being bloody stupid.

No one ever listens to the King, they should. And do what he tells them.

ANOTHER SUBTLE HINT

I'm nearly a year old now you know. I'm going to have a surprise party, but can't tell you, because I'm not supposed to know that I'm having a surprise party. .

People are really stupid. Just because I can't talk, they think I don't understand. I do you know.

I heard mum tell dad to get some jelly when was in Laos. He came back with 10 packets. Also, I heard dad say to Gary; "If you must come, bloody bring your own beer."

I don't really know what to expect a surprise party to be like. I don't think the kids will like it much, apart from the jelly.

I heard dad say that there will be no bloody Coca Cola and there should be lots of salad and vegetables. also, the snooker table is to covered up and made 'out of bounds'.

It will be so 'barrassing if no one has any fun and they won't look forward to when I'm two.

I shall be two next, after I am one. I'm not sure what happens after two, have to go to school like my brothers who aren't my real brothers I expect.

School is where you go to learn things, you know. My dad says they don't teach you much. except how to go around with a shaved head and not feel 'barrassed.

"They don't even know where their shoes are, let alone where Italy is," he said. I thought that was quite funny and also a bit silly, until yesterday.

Everyone was getting ready for school and Kop shouted; "Where are my shoes mum?" Dad looked at the ceiling and said; "There, what did I tell you?"

It'll come out in the wash

Mum is doing the laundry today. But then, she does the laundry everyday. One load is in the wash, one load is drying, and one load is getting dirty again.

Dad says it's a bit like life itself. One load is sleeping, one load is working its nuts off, and one load does bugger all.

I think he thinks he's like the second load, but really he's more like the third, when he's not the first.

And he sounds more like Forest Gump every day. I expect he'll come out with things like; "Life is like a washing machine; you never know what colour your pants will come out."

SOCCEROONEY

Everyone is talking about the football all the time. Everyone has gone "World Cup crazy'. 'cept my dad and me.

They all want Brazil to win. I want England to win. I don't know why really. I 'spect it's because David Beckham is English. He's not playing this year, you know. It's because Posh Beckham doesn't want him to go to Africa on his own and get AIDSHIV.

Dad calls him David Beckhamandeggs and says it's because he's too old. He's such a liar. David Beckham isn't old. I've got a photo of him wearing the shirt that Posh bought him for his birthday. It says he's 23.

Dad says the best thing about the World Cup is that we won't be seeing much of Gary. He's World Cup crazy and is staying at home to watch the football., which dad says is "a bloody good job."

EVERYTHING IN THE GARDEN ISN'T ROSES

Mum has finished the laundry now and is cutting the grass. Dad says you can't cut the grass when it's wet. He's such a liar. My mum can.

Dad says that's because she's Thai. Mum says it's because she doesn't want dad to cut all her plants again. Dad says that if she grew plants with flowers on them he would know not to cut them. Mum says you can't eat the plants with flowers on them. Dad says you can't eat the plants she grows anyway. Mum says Thai people can. Dad says Thai people can eat anything. Mum says she'll eat him if he doesn't shut up.

That shut him up.

Swat's that again ?

I've been fly smacking all day today. My mum just bought two new fly smackers to replace the one my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, broke.

It's only a plastic hand on the end of a plastic stick, but it's really swishy and swooshy and great for smacking things.

It tastes different to the plastic bottle tops, and they taste different to the purple plastic basket that mum bought and dad hates.

I don't expect you know that all plastic tastes different did you? well it does.

Why don't you try? Take a plastic pen or something and suck it. Now try licking your phone, or 'puter, or something.

See, what did I tell you?

I haven't been able to smack any flies yet but I did smack mum by accident. she just laughed.

I have smacked both my brothers who aren't my real brothers, but that wasn't an accident. They said "Oy!" and then they laughed too.

I tried to smack Leo, Jenny and Tiger, but they are as quick as flies.

I'm too scared to try and smack my dad.

My mum's the best fly smacker in our house. probably the best in the world. She's smacked hundreds and then she sweeps them up and puts them in the fish pond. The fish go mad and fight each other to eat them up. I can't see why, they taste yuck.

We've got lots of flies here at the moment because we live in the country, next to a field full of cow poo. Mum says it's because we are now in the rainy season. I wondered why it's been so rainy lately.

Apparently, all the flies that live in the cow poo come alive when it rains and fly around looking to have love affairs with other flies.

Human beings don't. They stay indoors when it's rainy and don't have love affairs because it's too wet.

That's why everyone looks sad when it's the rainy season.

How do you smell that again?

I get hiccups a lot. Dad says it's because I drink too much beer. I don't, he's being silly. I only drink milk and water. I'd like to try Coca Cola, but I have to wait until I'm 18 apparently.

I don't mind the hiccups. It's only my tummy wanting to get out for a look around, and getting annoyed because it has to stay indoors all the time getting ready for when I have my dinner, or have a banana, or something.

I like different sounds, don't you? Like hiccups, they're funny. I like my favourite toy. It's the tube inside a kitchen roll. I shout into it and it shouts back at me. dad says it's called an echo. It's a strange word for a funny noise, and difficult to spell for a short word.

My dad makes funny noises too, when he's asleep in his special sleep chair. He says he doesn't make any sounds when he's asleep. He's such a liar. Mum says he sounds like an old oil drum full of snakes having a fight with a tiger. I have to take her word for that. But he does sound funny.

I like different smells too. I like my mum, she smells like soap powder and chicken soup. My dad smells of beer and cigarette smoke, but it suits him.

My brothers, who aren't my real brothers smell horrible, like poo with sick in it, yuck.

Leo, Jenny and Tiger smell like... well, I 'spose they smell of dog. When they have a bath, except Tiger, dad can never catch him, they smell like sham poo. But when they're nice and clean, they run to the field next door and rub themselves in cow poo. They just don't like not smelling of dog.

I don't know what I smell like. Funny that, isn't it. Do you know what you smell like? I bet you don't. Dad says I smell lovely. He says it makes him want to eat me. so I 'spose I must smell like beef pie.

Words fail me

"Dad," Yes my little India Princess. "Dad, dad, dad," Yes, then the rest comes out; "Goo, coo, gluck."

It's so 'strating, I know all the words but I can't get them to make the right noises. I can say "dad" and "mum" and that's it.

I want to be able to explain to him when he shouts "no", that I need the scissors. for cutting my brother's school books.

I get fed up waiting until he's not looking before I pull half the c.d.s from the rack to make a ladder from the rest. How else am I to climb up on the cabinet? I'm too little reach otherwise.

He's always watching. I never get the chance to do fun stuff while he's around. I wish he would 'bugger off for some peace and quiet' like he says he will.

WATER WORKS NOW

Gung has finally shown up and fixed the water pump that dad managed to mess up. So now he can have a hot shower, and stop complaining.

It was dead exciting watching Gung pull all the pipes up from under the ground. There were mile of them. Then he pumped all the sand out with his derrick van (derrick is a winch scaffold, not the name of his van).

He made a terrible mess everywhere but dad didn't shout at him. I 'pect he was looking forward to the first hot shower after a week of washing in rain water. and didn't want Gung going off in a huff.

Mum came back after he'd finished and gone. She asked; "how much?" dad replied; "He didn't say."

Mum went to see Gung, and pay him. When she got back she said she'd given him 300 baht. "That's cheap" said dad. "Well I asked him what he wanted and he just said "Whatever." so I gave him 300 baht."

Ten minutes later, Gung's wife zoomed up on her motor bike and shouted at mum for only giving him 300 baht.

"I want another thousand." she said. Well you don't shout at my mum. Not even dad is allowed to do that.

I can't think where mum got the words from. It wasn't me, I can't talk. And I don't want Ellie writing again to say I shouldn't use such words in my blog, so you will just have to use your 'maginations.

One things for sure; Gung won't be getting another 1000 baht.