Be careful with your keywords

Dad's been busy doing research on the 'puter, so mum hasn't been able to use the phone. She said "Why are you taking too long, and why are there pictures of girls with no clothes on?" He said; "They do have clothes on. Not much I admit, but there are worse. you have to be careful what you put in the search box."

He says that one of the characters in his new book is an escort girl. He wants to know what escort girls do. He's such a liar.

He then showed her the other sites he's been 'vestigating; all the different guns you can get on mail order, big drug shipments, famous gangsters, private airfields, secret service and loads of other weird stuff.

I don't know what kind of book he's writing this time, but I think he ought to be careful and stick to cowboy stories.

WAKEY - WAKEY

I've just got back from yet another party. I thought; oh no, not another blooming wedding. But this party was for someone dead.

Dead is where you're not here anymore, like my real brother Matthew. Mum says that everyone has to die so that you can be made into something else. Dad says it's to feed the worms. He's really horrible, and only says stupid things like that to upset me.

I don't care though. I'm going to come back as a Barbie Doll. I'm going to have all the Barbie stuff in the picture I've got. He can feed the worms if he likes.

I didn't know you had a party for when you're dead though. It's the same as a wedding party; same tent roof on poles, same plastic chairs, same people and same rotten horrible food. But it goes on for three days instead of only one.

We only stayed one hour. "It's long enough to be polite and not so long that you get bored or hungry," said dad.

He forgot to lock the dogs out, so when we got back, there were dirty feet marks everywhere. Jenny was asleep on the mat. Leo and Tiger were no where to be seen as usual. Dad shouted and threw a flip-flop at her. he missed and knocked the clock onto the floor.

So now we don't know what the time is. Dad says it doesn't matter. He knows when it's dinner time and when it's sleep time, without a clock to tell him.

TWO AND TWO MAKE LOADS

In case you're interested, and you should be, because it's important, I now have nearly as many teeth as I have fingers, and that's loads.

Dad says that I now have nearly as many as he does. (Actually I think I have more, but I don't want to upset him.)

He says I'm such a clever little bugger for having so many teeth. So why aren't I walking and talking yet?

Well I'll tell you shall I? If I could walk, he'd be telling me to sit down. And if I could talk, he'd be telling me to shut up.