Be careful with your keywords

Dad's been busy doing research on the 'puter, so mum hasn't been able to use the phone. She said "Why are you taking too long, and why are there pictures of girls with no clothes on?" He said; "They do have clothes on. Not much I admit, but there are worse. you have to be careful what you put in the search box."

He says that one of the characters in his new book is an escort girl. He wants to know what escort girls do. He's such a liar.

He then showed her the other sites he's been 'vestigating; all the different guns you can get on mail order, big drug shipments, famous gangsters, private airfields, secret service and loads of other weird stuff.

I don't know what kind of book he's writing this time, but I think he ought to be careful and stick to cowboy stories.

WAKEY - WAKEY

I've just got back from yet another party. I thought; oh no, not another blooming wedding. But this party was for someone dead.

Dead is where you're not here anymore, like my real brother Matthew. Mum says that everyone has to die so that you can be made into something else. Dad says it's to feed the worms. He's really horrible, and only says stupid things like that to upset me.

I don't care though. I'm going to come back as a Barbie Doll. I'm going to have all the Barbie stuff in the picture I've got. He can feed the worms if he likes.

I didn't know you had a party for when you're dead though. It's the same as a wedding party; same tent roof on poles, same plastic chairs, same people and same rotten horrible food. But it goes on for three days instead of only one.

We only stayed one hour. "It's long enough to be polite and not so long that you get bored or hungry," said dad.

He forgot to lock the dogs out, so when we got back, there were dirty feet marks everywhere. Jenny was asleep on the mat. Leo and Tiger were no where to be seen as usual. Dad shouted and threw a flip-flop at her. he missed and knocked the clock onto the floor.

So now we don't know what the time is. Dad says it doesn't matter. He knows when it's dinner time and when it's sleep time, without a clock to tell him.

TWO AND TWO MAKE LOADS

In case you're interested, and you should be, because it's important, I now have nearly as many teeth as I have fingers, and that's loads.

Dad says that I now have nearly as many as he does. (Actually I think I have more, but I don't want to upset him.)

He says I'm such a clever little bugger for having so many teeth. So why aren't I walking and talking yet?

Well I'll tell you shall I? If I could walk, he'd be telling me to sit down. And if I could talk, he'd be telling me to shut up.

Ton up in the afternoon

I've just been for a ride on my mum's motor bike. Dad doesn't know. he's banned mum from taking me. But she never listens to him. She hasn't told him either. I think that's where I get my impedendance from.

We went to collect my brothers who aren't my real brothers from school. We drove really slowly which was a bit of a drag, but it was still very windy. I sat at the front, in my special seat. I could see everything as it all whizzed past.

I can't wait 'til I'm bigger and can have my own motor bike. I can still only count to five so don't know how long i have to wait. I know ten, that's a big number. I hope I don't have to wait that long.

Dad says that ten years soon pass. He's been married to my mum for five years. He says that it seems like ages. I wish he'd make up his mind.

When I get my motor bike I'm going to drive really fast and scare everybody. It will be a pink Vespa. Like in the picture of Barbie. I will wear a matching pink hard hat so the police won't fine me 200 baht to go and buy whiskey.

For now though, I have to wait 'til he's busy writing his stupid book, or building another pond, so I can sneak out with mum for a ride.

I don't know why he's building another pond. He's already filled in two near the house so that I won't fall in and drown when he's taken his eye off me for a second.

He says he's not worried about the new pond. By the time it's finished, I'll be old enough to understand that it's dangerous.

That's the best bit about being little; Nothing is dangerous.

I can see what he means about taking a long time. It's going to be huge, more like a lake really. There will be a house on an island in the middle. Where he say he can go and get some peace and quiet at last.

I'll be able to sit with him and get some peace and quiet as well. I'll ask him every five minutes if he's getting enough peace and quiet. When he's really happy I will then ask if he will buy me a pink Vespa.

Who's calling?

Aren't telephones great? My dad doesn't like telephones. he says people only call him if its bad news, or they want something. But I love them. Even things that look like phones, I love. Like TV remote controls. Even shoes, well, they look like phones to me. I like to pick up, put to my ear, and say "Hello".

Sometimes I hear a voice back, though I don't understand what it means. It's usually the same lady and she says; "Sorry, but the person you require doesn't respond. Please try again later." Or something like that. I say "Hello", but she hangs up. She's very rude.

Sometimes the person says "Hello" so I say "Hello" back, and they say "Hello" again. I then say "Hello" and they say "Hello" back, so I say "Hello" again. And then they hang up.

Sometimes it sounds like my Auntie in Australia, and sometimes like my sister in England. But they only ever say "Hello".

Sometimes when I've hung up, the phone rings. My dad always takes it off me. He says; "Sorry, it must have been that little bugger India. How are you anyway?"

He then gives me his stern look. It doesn't scare me. Well only a little bit. I laugh and he looks at me sterner which makes me laugh even more. So he looks even sternerer. Then he laughs as well.

BUDDHA CAN YOU SPARE A BAHT?

It's been a special holiday here this week. I don't know why. Dad says its because the monks need the money. Mum says he shouldn't say that.

She says that monks are special people, and you have to be kind to monks and give them food and money, so you can be 'carnated into something nice when you die.

Dad said; "How much will it cost me to be 'carnated as a tree? And is it a different price depending on what kind of tree I want to be?"

Mum said he shouldn't say stupid things like that or he may be 'carnated as a dog. "That won't be so bad," he said. "Look at Jenny, Leo and Tiger. They just laze around all day waiting for their dinner. Just like monks do in fact."

Mum walked away, shaking her head, but he carried on talking to himself. I was listening though.

He said that the monks ought to get their act together, and make a price list. Like the Christians
used to do. Look how much money the Pope's got, for God's sake.

He then looked at me and said; "They used to sell insurance you know. People would buy a guarantee to get into heaven."

He looked thoughtful about what he'd just said, and added; "Well, it must have worked. No one ever came back demanding a refund."

The hole truth

I found my drum sticks. They were on top of the cupboard, and I had to put my drum on the chair and climb up to get them. They were at the very back. Behind a jug full of water and flowers.

Dad just smiled when he saw the broken jug on the floor. But mum was very cross. She said it was her favourite angel jug, and had liked all the sparkly colours on the angel's head.

I don't remember putting my sticks on top of the cupboard. And now they have pissadeared again. Oh well, I guess I'll go down the pub for a game of snooker.

Dad's down there now. fixing a big bullet hole in the roof. He says he doesn't know how it got there. He's such a liar.

Anyway, I now know why dad always goes down the pub when he's fed up with something. It's great, especially the snooker table. It has lots of little nets hanging down. When my dad has a game of snooker, sometimes a ball falls down a hole into one of the nets. I pick it out and throw it back up on the table and make him shout; "Oi!"

GETTING CUT OFF

It was great fun yesterday. Lots of other men were playing snooker 'cause dad was too busy. The balls were falling in the nets a lot quicker than when dad plays (I think he must be an expert). I had to rush around to put them back on the table. They didn't shout; "Oi!" (It must be an English word). They only laughed.

They were from the Electric Company. The first men to come said they wanted to 'cut my dad off ', for not paying the bill. I was scared at first but they meant shut down the electric.

My dad had the money ready, on top of the cupboard, ready to pay the man who comes to collect it. But he never came. Mum had to phone her Uncle who's a boss at the Electric Company. She told him off for frightening me.

He told the men off for frightening me and told them to go away. But they were playing snooker by then, and drinking my dad's beer. Mum made them some lunch and they called their friends, who were busy cutting other people off, to come and play snooker and have some lunch.

After about an hour there were ... I can only count up to five, so I don't know exactly how many there were, but they had drunk all the beer. So dad had to go and buy some more. He used the money he had saved to pay the electric bill.

By 4 o'clock, I know it was 4 o'clock 'cause mum had gone to get my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, from school, all the beer had gone again, so dad had to go and get some more. But his Mitsubishi was blocked in by all the orange coloured electric lorries. So he had to take one of their lorries to get the beer.

When he came back, the police came with him. They wanted to make sure he wasn't telling them lies again. When they saw the men playing snooker, they said they wanted to play too. They didn't wait their turn which was very rude, but no one seemed to mind.

Mum came home home and said; "Are they bloody staying for dinner? 'Cause I no have enough." They said; "Yes please."

Dad took me and my brothers, who aren't my real brothers, to the market to buy more pork, in the police car 'cause it was blocking everyone else in.

He put the flashing lights on and drove very fast. The car didn't have a special sound button so we all shouted; "Eeee Awww, Eeee Awww." Well I tried, but couldn't get it right. It sounded more; "Arrr Arrr." Anyway, it was great fun and the pork lady had a big surprise when she saw us in the police car.

It was a good thing that my dad thought to get some more beer as well, 'cause when we got back, everyone shouted; " I hope you got some more beer?"

The electric men had got fed up waiting for the police to let them have a go at snooker, so they switched on the karaoke machine, and were all singing. Dad said they were "making a real racket." So he went and got my drum set, and the sticks he found, and played drums while they were singing.

We all had a great time and dad says he doesn't know how I managed to sleep with all the noise.

He says he made a profit, even though the police didn't pay their share. But he doesn't mind 'cause they let him have a go with their gun.

And he expects me to believe he has no idea how the bullet hole got in the roof?

Let there be drums

My dad has just bought me a drum set. It's a great present, and I love it. It has a foot pedal and sticks to to bang with and everything. Everyone laughed when I played with it. Dad now says it's the biggest mistake he's ever made. And I can't find the sticks anywhere.

I can't see how it was a mistake. Not like with the calc'lator he bought, that can't add up properly. Or the clock with the hands that run backwards. There's nothing wrong with the drum set. It sounds perfeck to me.

It doesn't matter much anyway, not having any sticks. My broken golf clubs make good sticks. So I can still play with it.

WOT! NO WATNEY'S

My dad has now finished building his pub. It's great 'cause I can go to the pub with him.
He told me that his Grandad use to take him to the pub all the time when he was a little boy.

His Grandad was something called a bookie. I don't know what that is exactly, but dad says that it was a good job, and he made a lot of money being a bookie.

He said that bookies didn't have shops when he was a little boy and the bookie had to go to all the pubs to collect the bets.

Bets are what you call it when you give money to a bookie and choose a horse to win a race. If the horse you pick does win, then you get your money back. If not, the bookie keeps it.

My Great Grandad won lots of money being a bookie, 'cause the bookie always wins. He then used to take my dad and my dad's Nan to the pub night times and buy lots of beer and whiskey and cigarettes.

I think that the best job of all is to be the pub boss. He gets the money that the bookies win and doesn't have to go out and worry about the coppers.

Coppers are people you have to give your money to, if you want to stay out of jail.

Dad said that he thought the same. He said he always dreamed of being the pub boss when he was a little boy. He told me he wanted a 'nice little pub in the country', all nicotine stained and smelling of stale beer. There would be two old men sitting in one corner, playing dominoes and supping the remains of their pensions. A couple of Teddy Boys would be at the juke box, chatting up a couple of girls with blond pony tails saying; "Go on love, another Babycham won't hurt you." At the bar, would stand some farmers with beetroot faces, moaning about the weather.

Dad said he would dream of seeing his Grandad again. He would be angry and crashing his ham of a fist on the counter 'cause Ted was a tanner short. Then buy him a pint anyway.

He'd see his Nan sitting at a table, playing whist with some friends. She'd sit there with an inch and a half of ash dangling off the end of a half inch cigarette butt, that would be glued to her bottom lip.

He said to me; "Is it only Player's Weights you could do that with?" How do I know!? Anyway, he said that only the butt ever hit the ashtray. The ash would have long ago dropped into her cleavage.

This time he didn't say that he was dreaming of a time before the war. But I could tell, by the look on his face, that he was. He sighed and said; "I have my dream country pub now. The only difference is that it's in a different country. And the only thing missing is; my Grandad's winnings."