Words fail me

"Dad," Yes my little India Princess. "Dad, dad, dad," Yes, then the rest comes out; "Goo, coo, gluck."

It's so 'strating, I know all the words but I can't get them to make the right noises. I can say "dad" and "mum" and that's it.

I want to be able to explain to him when he shouts "no", that I need the scissors. for cutting my brother's school books.

I get fed up waiting until he's not looking before I pull half the c.d.s from the rack to make a ladder from the rest. How else am I to climb up on the cabinet? I'm too little reach otherwise.

He's always watching. I never get the chance to do fun stuff while he's around. I wish he would 'bugger off for some peace and quiet' like he says he will.

WATER WORKS NOW

Gung has finally shown up and fixed the water pump that dad managed to mess up. So now he can have a hot shower, and stop complaining.

It was dead exciting watching Gung pull all the pipes up from under the ground. There were mile of them. Then he pumped all the sand out with his derrick van (derrick is a winch scaffold, not the name of his van).

He made a terrible mess everywhere but dad didn't shout at him. I 'pect he was looking forward to the first hot shower after a week of washing in rain water. and didn't want Gung going off in a huff.

Mum came back after he'd finished and gone. She asked; "how much?" dad replied; "He didn't say."

Mum went to see Gung, and pay him. When she got back she said she'd given him 300 baht. "That's cheap" said dad. "Well I asked him what he wanted and he just said "Whatever." so I gave him 300 baht."

Ten minutes later, Gung's wife zoomed up on her motor bike and shouted at mum for only giving him 300 baht.

"I want another thousand." she said. Well you don't shout at my mum. Not even dad is allowed to do that.

I can't think where mum got the words from. It wasn't me, I can't talk. And I don't want Ellie writing again to say I shouldn't use such words in my blog, so you will just have to use your 'maginations.

One things for sure; Gung won't be getting another 1000 baht.

Face book

Dad's just signed up and joined Face book. He didn't know exactly what he was doing, so pressed all the buttons to see what would happen. Now he has 27 friends and can't get rid of them.

He said he only has two friends, and one of them is dead.

He now regrets giving so much information. "They all have my address now, we'll be inundated with begging letters, you'll see," he said.

I think it's great. I want to sign up too so i can have 27 friends, but I'm too young.

I don't know why I can't lie about my age. He did.

I had a look at his face page. He has more than two friends. he lied again.

There's Uncle Casper, (unless he's the dead one. Well, he does have a ghost's name).

And Uncle Malcolm, though he's not a friend. he's his brother, so doesn't count.

My sisters are there, but they're his daughters. And Luke, but he's my brother. Not the one who's a skellington, though he looks like one.

Ah, spotted one; Uncle Albert Diamond. "Yes" said dad. "I don't think I owe him money anymore so you can count him in."

There's Andrew? Dad probably owes him money. He's from up north anyway.

I pointed out loads of people. "No, never heard of them," he said.

Isn't that sad. He probably does only have two friends. I better go and give him a cuddle.

Birthday warning

I just had a lovely sleep and dreamed that it was my birthday today and I didn't have to wait a whole month and a week.

In case you don't know; my birthday is on 3rd of July.

If you're thinking about a present for me then I need to tell you; don't bother with toys and dolls and stuff. they are OK for a while but I soon get bored.

What I really like is anything dirty. Old shoes are a favourite. I can't seem to get enough of them, but have to make sure dad isn't watching when I put them in my mouth.

I like playing with bits of brick and stuff that bloody useless builders leave lying around. And of course, sand and sharp tools.

Best of all is anything I can stick my fingers in. Electric sockets are OK, but the holes are just a little too small.

There are two holes in the floor where the door bolts go at night time. They're just right and are always full of exciting stuff, like dead insects and occasionally, small buttons. I like to suck small buttons and make my dad call me a little bugger.

If you want to send me a card; I like animals, especially kangaroos. Dad told me that the word kangaroo is Australian for "I don't know." When Captain Hook discovered Australia, he asked a man he saw on the beach "What's that animal called?" and the man answered "kangaroo." I don't know for sure if that's true. Knowing my dad, it probably isn't.

Best of all, you can send me an e-mail. I don't get enough of them. I'm saving the ones I get on a special file so's I'll have lots to read when I learn how to.

RAINY DAYS ARE HERE AT LAST

It's been rainy a lot this week, which is a good job, because we haven't got any water.

Dad left the tap running and the pump that sucks the water out of the ground and fills our taps got blocked with sand, and the only man who knows how to fix it has been playing cards for three days and won't come to fix it because dad keeps shouting at him to come and bloody fix it.

It's great fun though because we have to collect all the rain water, and I get dunked in the big jar for my bath. And mum doesn't have to water the garden, so I get to play with her more and stop getting on dad's nerves.

Words don't come easy

I can say dad now. And mum, but only do so when I want something; like my dinner.

Dad loves it when I say "dad". He says "Yes my little India Princess." It's the only time he ever says "Yes". Before I could say "dad" he could only say "No". Like when I want to see what gecko poo tastes like he'd shout "No". Or when I try to wash his cigarette lighter in his beer for him, he'd shout "No".

Now I can say "dad" he says "Yes." It's really great now I can talk.

I want to say all my words properly so's he'll understand. I know lots of words but they don't come out of my mouth the same as they start in my brain.

I say to him things like "Can you please hurry up and get off the 'puter so I can do my blog." and he'll reply, "Goo, goo, goo, to you too, you little moo."

It's so 'strating.

BUILDING SAGA

Dad sacked the builders for being a bloody waste of good air, and started to do mum's kitchen himself as he can do a better bloody job with one hand.

He used two anyway, and to be honest, he can't do any better. Gary came round to help him, so now we have new builders in.

They are much better than the others. and even better than my dad, though I wouldn't tell him that even if I could talk.

I like the one with only one eye. His name is Cun. Dad said; "What, is the 't' silent?" He didn't understand, and nor do I. 'T' makes a sound like all the other letters. Dad really is silly sometimes.

I like Cun because he looks like he's winking at me all the time. I wink back at him with my special wink. I use both my eyes at the same time. everyone says I look cute when I do my special wink.

Mum says I'm making sweet eyes and shouldn't , or I'll end up a butterfly, like her sister.

I like butterflies, but don't want to be one. And I certainly don't want to be like her sister.

So now I have a dilemba. How can I make Cun like me and not end up as a butterfly?

The brother I'll never meet

I was having my morning cuddle and dad told me about Matthew.

He is my brother and died last year. He's only 38. That sounds old to me but dad said it's only half an ordinary life. But it is the best half.

He told me that Matthew never did anything ordinary. Everything he did was more than ordinary. It was extra ordinary. It would make dad angry sometimes because he never did ordinary things. But he now knows that he got angry because he was jealous of Matthew being able to do whatever he liked, whenever he wanted.

"He owed nothing to anyone and was owed nothing in return." was how dad described Matthew's lifestyle.

Lots of people knew my brother. He was famous and everyone loved him who went to London to look at the statues.

My brother was Silver Man to those who liked to look at statues, and Tonto the Clown to others.

He would make wonderful animals and stuff from balloons. And made things pissadear while you watched closely. Then a thousand silk handkerchiefs would come out of his mouth.

It must be great to be able to do things like that.

Dad says he's now a skellington and lives in Highgate cemetery. he makes all the other skellingtons happy with his tricks. I'd like to see that and dad says he will take me there one day.

I don't want to live an ordinary life. It doesn't matter if I die half way through, so long as I can do extra ordinary things. I want to be like my brother Matthew.

I'll never know him and that is a loss to me, but I will love him always, because he's my brother and the best person I could ever have met.

Bodge the Builder

It was a very shouty sweary day yesterday. The builders showed up at last to make an extension to mum's kitchen. They told lots of jokes that dad didn't understand because he kept asking "Are you joking?"

It started with the price, and carried on when they started putting the bricks together. Dad said the cement mix was a joke and so was the mess they were making.

Dad said they were a pair of cowboy comedians and should be in a circus and not on a building site. They didn't understand so dad said in Thai that they were a pair of buffalo and should be in the field next door.

They didn't like being called buffalo and I think it made them very nervous because they kept making loads of mistakes and made dad shout at them all the time.

I've left out all the swear words to make it sound polite. some of my followers said I use too many bad words for someone so young. I'm 10 months old now you know and i like sweary words. They sound funny but I don't want to upset anyone.

SIMPLE ARITHMETIC

As if my dad's day wasn't bad enough, Gary called round to see why dad didn't go to the pub to watch the football last night. Dad said he was too busy, watching his toe nails grow.

"You can't be too careful," said Gary "My toe nails started to grow inwards, instead of outwards. I had to have a fucking (sorry, but that's what he said) operation to have them removed.

"Oh, you've had brain surgery, that explains a lot," said dad.

"No, stupid, I said I had surgery on my toes."

Dad didn't say anymore so Gary carried on "Had to go to the Soccer Bar, Dow's Pub was shut. I only had two bottles, bloody sixty baht a bottle, it's only 30 in Dow's." he said "fucking sixty baht a bottle" but I don't want to upset anyone. Bloody isn't a swear word you know.

"Is that a pint bottle or half pint?" dad asked.

"Big one."

"And does Dow sell big ones or little ones?" I don't know why he asked that, he goes there often enough himself to know.

"Little ones."

Dad had had enough, you could tell by the look on his face.

"India, what's 30 plus 30?"

It's a good job I can't talk yet because I didn't know. It would make dad very sad to think my arithmetic is as poor as Gary's.

Dad's swearing at the builders again and I don't mean "bloody". They can't get the door to fit in the hole in the wall. I heard him tell them yesterday to make the door first and fit the wall to it.

I better go and give him a cuddle.

I can wink now. I use both eyes to do it. Dad can only use one.