Dying for a smoke

My Dad smokes cigarettes. he say "Why not."

"I can afford it and it stops me getting angry. Well, anything that stops you getting angry must be good for you.

"If I was still in England," here we go again, "I'd have to pack up because it's so bloody expensive." Why can't he just say"expensive"? He's always swearing which isn't nice because I'm so 'pressionable. "I costs me less money to smoke than I'd save if I packed it in." he said.

Even an 'pressionable 8 month old can tell that's dibberish.


"Anyway, It doesn't affect my health like Heir Hitler would have us believe." Heir Hitler is what he calls the government, all governments, and it's true, smoking doesn't affect his health. He can chase after me for ages and only gets a little out of breath and doesn't have to have a sit down that often.

Dad says governments should be against the law. "All they do is go around shagging each other and lying about it. He says everybody is stupid who votes for them. They never say thank you. They just kick you up the bum.

His ideas of Heir Hitler may well be right. What do I know at 8 months old. I just wish he'd say it nicer.

"Now you can't even smoke in pubs. What's that all about?" I heard Gary tell him the other day. "Pubs are where you go to have a fag for fucks sake."

"You see Gary, the brewers are scared of being sued by their staff that's why they let Heir Hitler ban it. Now they'll pay the price for their stupidity and all the politicians will loose their jobs on the boards of breweries. It's what we clever people call 'poetic justice'." Gary didn't answer, just nodded, drank his beer and smoked his cigarette.

"For bloody hell's sake Gary, don't blow your smoke over India you stupid bugger."

"Who're you calling a bugger?" he replied.

"I don't see anyone else here and even if I did, it would still be you. You're the most selfish smoker I've ever met. You stupid bloody moron."

Great, they're off. Gary had been here over an hour and dad hadn't lost his temper once. They were having a fight. It was so exciting.

"Oh, that choice coming from you. You're a smoker."

"Yes, but I don't blow smoke in anyone's face and I don't smoke near India." Dad was getting mad. it was dead cool.

"Oh, India, India, precious fucking India, don't blow smoke on India." Gary being stupid made dad slap him on the ear, which made Manchester cry. Whoa, I know he wouldn't but I wouldn't want a slap from my dad. I thought Gary might try to fight dad back but he didn't.

My dad is right, Gary is chicken poo. But my dad isn't he's brilliant.